Monday, September 28, 2015

Tonight's main card of the IANMA

[Venue: Ian's octagon, somewhere near his duodenum]

Michael Buffer: "Ladies and gentlemen, in this corner, standing at six inches tall and weighing in at approximately 10 ounces, it's IAN'S HEART!"

[Chorus of boos]

Buffer: "And in this corner, at five inches tall and weighing in at 3.3 pounds according to Wikipedia, IAN'S BRAIN!"

[Requisite moment of silence punctuated by even louder boos]

Buffer: "LET'S GET AWAY FROM ROYALTIEEEEEEEEEES!"

Jimmy Lennon Jr.: "Jimmy Lennon Jr. and Michael Buffer here with you tonight to announce this exciting heavyweight match between two lightweights. Michael, who do you think has the edge tonight?"

Buffer: "Well, Jimmy, the tale of the tape tells us that Ian's brain has seen better days. His heart, on the other hand, continues to be able to take quite a pounding. I'm going with heart on this one."

Lennon: "Well, Michael, I wouldn't count out the brain. Remember, its uppercut of overthinking is deadly. And in fact that has been the key cause of a lot of the heart's heartbreak over the years. The brain won't let him feel."

Buffer: "All right, well, here we go!"

[DING DING]


Heart: "Why on Earth would this be true? Drew Brees is the reason the Saints have been a contender for a decade!"

Brain: "That's true, but his salary-cap liability is through the roof. Besides, he's 36. That's old! Once you're 36, your appeal falls dramatically. Though you could argue it's been on the decline for a couple of years now. You're 35, is what I'm saying. Take the hint."

Lennon: "Oh, BELOW THE BELT!"

Buffer: "He's gonna get docked for that one, Jimmy."

Brain: "You see, you can only stay fresh and relevant for so long, even if you want to stay in the game until you're 45. The body can only go so far."

Heart: "Yeah? Well, you're only as young as you feel!"

Brain: "To a degree. But at some point you have to accept that you're past your prime."

Ref: "All right, break it up! This blog fight is supposed to be about the Saints."

Brain: "Correct."

Heart: "Sorry, got caught up in the moment."

Brain: "You always do."

Heart: "Anyway, I was saying, letting go of Brees now would guarantee that the team would be in limbo for years to come."

Brain: "You could argue that they have been there for a while. Besides ... "

Buffer: "Uh oh ..." 

Brain: "When has fivethirtyeight ever been wrong?"

Heart: "Uh ... practically never?"

Jimmy: "Oh! The heart punched ITSELF out!"

Buffer: "Down for the count!"

[DING!!]

Brain: "Didn't see that coming. Even I wasn't as sure of this analysis as the heart was. It could be wrong. And I'd certainly hate to see Drew go as well. The issue is complex, and there are no certainties in life. Well ... except ... one certainty ..."

Heart: [Murmurs]

Brain: "SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU!"

Jimmy: "OOOH!!!"

Heart: "Who doesn't like me?"

Brain: "Just a reflex."

Heart: "You fight dirty."

Brain: "Who dat? Da BRAIN, dat's who!"

Jimmy: "That was quick. Shades of Tyson-Spinks."

Buffer: "On behalf of pay-per-view, we apologize if you paid to view this. Good night!"

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