Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Tips for men over 30

You should have it all figured out by now. If you don’t, you are a pathetic, clean-shaven little boy who deserves to die alone in an efficiency apartment only to be found six days later when you don’t show up for your job fetching coffee for real men (which is two days longer than they’re used to you being gone because you are a lazy fool who constantly calls in sick).

Take showers only. Don’t take baths. Babies take baths, and you aren’t a baby anymore.

You should have an entire complement of ties to wear in the shower. Don’t get caught looking unfashionable in any situation.

Ditch the funny and/or quirky ties. Wearing these will make you repulsive to potential mates. At least, the prim, humorless ones who are the only kind worth attracting.

Date only hyper-judgmental people. The only date worth having is one where you’re one atomically slight slip-up from having him/her walk away in disgust forever. That’s why they call it a job interview.

Wear suits and ties to bed. If you’re doing it right, this is when you need to look your best. It only makes sense.

You should know the thread count of your sheets. But never let on that you do. It’s manly to know. Not manly to tell.

Stop with the sleeping around and settle down. These are the only two things humans do in life, and it’s time to pick one. If you must, go outside right now, find a woman and marry her. If you fail at this simple task, you fail at being a man over 30.

Stop going out and having fun. You’re an over-30 man now. This is not just about sticking out like a sore thumb in the college club scene; it’s about being so juvenile as to have fun in any situation. You’re a career man now. Worry about that all the time, like you’re supposed to. And if you don’t have a career, pretend that you do, because everyone is judging you.

Don’t try to be funny. The thirties are a time to put away childish things such as “humor.” Any attempts at jocularity will come off like you’re trying too hard to hang on to your fading youth. If you’re a naturally funny person, suppress it. Remember, prim equals proper.

Stop smiling. Only man-boys and babies smile. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and you’re in it now.

Don’t use current slang terms. Even if they come naturally to you and/or you say them just to get a laugh. Nor should you use the slang terms with which you came up. Really, just don’t speak slang at all. You’re over 30. At this point, you should be saying “Oxford comma” before “and.”

Don’t eat anything that can get in your beard. You do have a beard, don’t you?

Never pass up a chance to look older. You know the old saying: “Youth is wasted when you’re not young.” You’re old! Embrace it. If you still look young, you don’t have to take that from God — buy an aging kit at Dolce & Gabbana for $2,995. It comes with clippers for your hairline, UV lamp goggles for your eyes, Botox for the muscles that allow you smile, calorie pills and a carton of unfiltered cigarettes. You can buy the same kit at any big box for $39.95, but come on, you’re better than that.

Learn at least one extremely stilted and outmoded societal convention. Like how to politely use a slide rule while in the presence of an unaccompanied lady. Then use it and bask in the gasps you get.

Drive a fancy car. Own a running vehicle you paid off years ago? Ick! Get yourself a high-end luxury SUV, stat. A car note is a required document to obtain your Thirties Card. And forget about fuel economy — your environmental-concern phase is officially over. You paid your dues, even if you didn’t.

Toss out all of your furniture. It’s time to stop with the disposable crap you’ve had for years. Get something expensive that lasts. And don’t you dare keep it after you’re 40.

Just in general, buy a bunch of expensive, nice things. You’re 30 now. And also an investment banker. So live like it.

No more quirk for you. Everything that made you interesting up until 11:59 p.m. before your 30th birthday now makes you sad. Conform immediately.

Enjoy your newfound maturity! Life is short.

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