Tuesday, May 12, 2015

An interview with Tom Brady’s wrist

“Hi, Tom Brady’s wrist. How are you feeling today?”

“A bit tingly.”

“Why is that?”

“The NFL slapped me moderately yesterday.”

“I saw that.”

“The good news is, I can appeal and maybe they’ll take half the pain back.”

“They probably will.”

“Which they should. Ray Rice gets a two-game suspension for beating his fiancee on camera and I get four games for merely being aware that my equipment managers were altering the air pressure of my footballs for the AFC Championship Game and because I refused to cooperate with the investigation?”

“Yes, that does seem low. In both cases.”

“It’s like Roger Goodell is the Goldilocks of punishment: too cold one time, too hot the next time, except that his ‘just right’ moment is yet to come.”

“Brady should talk with you instead of with his mouth. You’re way more profound.”

“Thanks, but he lets his arm do his talking only on the field. Like with the Tuck Rule.”

“Understandable.”

“So what are you planning to do for the four weeks you’ll be inactive?”

“It’ll probably be two weeks on appeal.”

“Right, two weeks. So, what are your plans?”

“I will do things you can’t even begin to understand as a commoner.”

“Ah.”

“See, I could do far worse as far as football infractions, be disgraced for life, even, and my life would still be way better than yours or anybody’s.”

“That’s true.”

“I’ll always have a sterling legacy, as long as there are Patriots fans. They’re the best fans in the world. I’ve been here since 2001, and I can’t imagine the fever at any other pitch.”

“Since 2001, yes.”

“The NFL is the greatest sports league in the world too. It’s always got my back.”

“It certainly does.”

“That’s what will get me through this. That, and everything else. Because I’m the poster boy for privilege in pro sports.”

“No argument there.”

“But still, ow. That punishment tingled for a second. I’m always being persecuted, just because I’m successful.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s for being successful.”

“But I am!”

“You are. Which makes me wonder: Why would you do it? You guys blew out the Colts, and that outcome was never seriously in doubt. Why risk that with an unnecessary cheat? Why not just lean on your copious talent?”

“Coach Belichick has a saying: ‘It’s not enough to race a Bugatti Veyron against a Mercury Cougar. You should lower the Cougar’s tire pressure because every advantage counts.’”

“That sounds awfully familiar. Like I wrote that before.”

“He also says: ‘Don’t ever take the fall when your equipment managers can do it for you.’”

They were suspended indefinitely without pay. You’re OK with that?”

“Eh, those jobs are for teenagers anyway. They’re not meant to pay a livable wage.”

“I don’t think that’s at all true.”

“Let them get good at football if they want to succeed like me.”

“Seems like some of your success is reliant on them. At least, that's how it looks.”

“You sound like one of everybody.”

“Again, I can’t understand why someone of your talent play a part in such a ruse.”

“Er … what ruse?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, sorry, forgot to forget earlier.”

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