Saturday, January 31, 2015

Your sour-grapes guide to Super Bowl XLIX

This year’s Super Bowl is a particular toughie for many NFL fans on account of Deflategate and the Seahawks being the Seahawks. It’s all too easy to engage in a game of mental ping-pong trying to decide on a daylong loyalty. So here’s a handy guide to help with this most momentarily important of decisions.


• You won the science fair every year in school because your projects had strobing LED displays, push-button audio components and six-foot-tall mockups of Nikola Tesla, because your parents were very rich and also they did the projects for you.

• You have never smiled, because time is money.

• You won a drag race in your Bugatti Veyron against your pal’s Mercury Cougar, in part by lowering the air pressure in your tires.

• You subscribe to the belief that, because the team is named the Patriots, other teams by definition aren’t patriotic. (Which is also how you vote.)

• You think it’s any year prior to 2002.

• You believe in Manifest Destiny, just like your ancestors Philip Worthington Strong III and his wife, Lady Ruth Fensterhouse, who met on the Mayflower.

• You’re a big fan of field goals.

• If you’re somewhere where not doing it gets you hurt.

• You think Tom Brady has a nice face.

• You are thinking of the Seahawks at the moment.


• You only learned of football’s existence in 2013.

• You’ve met a Seahawks fan and you’re OK with that.

• Like many Pacific Northwesterners, you are in a band and you own a station wagon.

• You think the real opponent isn’t the Patriots, but the ruthless jackals in the media who dare to invade a public figure’s privacy during a five-minute presser.

• Just the thought of “class” makes your brain crack.

• You speak entirely in obnoxious catchphrases.

• You’ve ever called a drill sergeant a “hater.”

• You took a victory lap after winning the science fair and knocked down everyone else’s project.

• You are jealous of Tom Brady’s nice face.

• You are thinking of the Patriots at the moment.

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