Monday, January 19, 2015

Whew! That was close!


I’m going to approach this with the assumption that “marry” is interchangeable with “date,” because with fundamentalist Christians it so often is.

And like George Carlin did with the 10 Commandments, I’m going to whittle this list down a bit. Indeed, I could consolidate it down to one: Any woman with a mind of her own. But there’s less fun to be had with that.

So let’s go with nine — after all, it stands to reason that an unbeliever (No. 1) is also not going to bother with a daily devotion to God (No. 10). That leaves:

1) The Unbeliever
2) The Divorcee
3) The Older Woman
4) The Feminist
5) The Sexy-Dresser
6) The Loud-Mouth
7) The Child-Hater
8) The Wander-Luster
9) The Career Woman
(Old-timey spellings theirs.)

That sounds like a kick-butt group of people, or at least a hell of a panel (no pun intended). It also describes my dating life perfectly. But that’s less a testament to my hellbound properties (though those are plentiful) than how few women don’t fit into any of these categories.

(Side note about these categories: They seem calibrated as insults, in the same sense that an ultra-right-winger might call a liberal a “liberal” because, in their minds, that’s the worst thing you can call someone. In particular, “Child-Hater” is defined in the linked blog as someone who merely doesn’t want children of their own, and “Loud-Mouth” is basically any woman who communicates. But let’s take the rest at face value.)

The kind of person a woman would have to be to elude all of these categories would essentially be an empty vessel for the man she marries, which appeals to a religious man’s sense of control, but not much else.

Personally — and this isn’t simply about dating, but about people in general — I prefer the company of people with a wide range of experiences. Nobody’s perfect, but it’s those who accept that they aren’t (and accept others who aren’t) who are worth getting to know. Besides, it seems strangely Shallow Hal-ish to reject a woman who’s perfect for you in every way because, God forbid, she’s open-minded and has a good job.

I’ve dated all nine types of women on this list. In many cases, they were all nine combined. Guess I’m going straight to hell. But the singles scene there is clearly much better.

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