Sunday, January 25, 2015

Saucy talk

Yesterday, I made a funny and virtually nobody noticed: 

Why did nobody notice? Because I'm weird.

See, I can't stand secret sauces or anything else that is mayo-based. Cane's sauce, to paraphrase Ron Burgundy, particularly stings my nostrils. It reminds me of crawfish dip (ketchup and mayonnaise), which nothing should ever remind me of. But I do love Raising Cane's chicken fingers, fries, toast and lemonade, so setting the sauce tub aside is a minor inconvenience (anyway, it rarely goes to waste if I'm eating with a friend).

That said, most people love Cane's sauce. It's a signature blend. In many cases, it's why people choose to eat there. And unlike most standard condiments, it's not given out like candy on Halloween. So it makes sense for those reasons that an instant-winner contest would offer a free tub of the stuff. But thanks to my atypical palate, I just began laughing uncontrollably when I peeled this sticker off my lemonade.

The first reason I laughed is because it says, "A SAUCE," which is something I'd expect to find in a 1980s video game: "YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A SAUCE OF DIPPING."

The second reason is because of the words above it: "YOU JUST WON!" Well, that's awfully presumptuous. I guess for most people this would be a genuine win, but this is what would be poured on me if I lost on Personalized Double Dare. One person's treasure and all that.

The third reason is because of course this is how I would win something, all Pyrrhic-like. I might as well have won a sideline pass to next week's Super Bowl. Or free cauliflower for life. Or keynote-speaker billing at the People Who Aren't Fantastic convention.

I guess you have to know me well to see that I regard those as undesirable things (though the third should be obvious to everyone, hurr hurr). Same thing with this photo. Most people would love free Cane's sauce, so when I post it jokingly, they think I'm straight hailing it. And now they think I love it, which is likely to eventually result in this exchange:

Them: "Hey! Nice to see you! I got you a sauce!"
Me: "Err ... I don't like it, actually."
Them: "What? Everybody likes it! And your Facebook status —"
Me: "— Was a joke."
Them: "Oh. Uh ..."
Me: "Yeah."
Them: "So I'm too dim to get a joke, is what you're saying."
Me: "So you don't know me, is what you're saying."
Them: (Sniff)
Me: (Sniff)

Tough crowd.

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