Monday, December 08, 2014

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (2014)

(A parody script on how it would unfold today)

Int. NEW YORK ADVERTISING FIRM, two days before THANKSGIVING.

STEVE MARTIN, LYMAN WARD and THE BOSS are looking at COSMETIC ADS. THE BOSS can’t decide. He is always about to SAY SOMETHING but NEVER DOES.

STEVE MARTIN
(WHISPERS) I gotta go. I have to catch a plane.

LYMAN WARD
You’ll never make the six!

STEVE MARTIN
Because it’s rush hour in New York City?

LYMAN WARD

That, and because it’ll take you way more than an hour to go through security. Probably two or three. Really, you never should have scheduled the six.

STEVE MARTIN
I guess I could go with you on the 8.


LYMAN WARD
Yeah, good luck with that. I probably won’t get home either.



Ext. NEW YORK CITY, RUSH HOUR.

STEVE MARTIN sees an AVAILABLE TAXI, which apparently only he and KEVIN BACON see. They RACE for it. STEVE WINS, but TRIPS over a BIG TRUNK. KEVIN gives a SARCASTIC SALUTE to STEVE and TRIES TO GET IN.

CAB DRIVER
Sorry, Bacon, someone booked this cab with an app.

KEVIN BACON
Damn!

STEVE MARTIN
You're messing with the right guy. (ENTERS CAB)

BACON then tries to buy another cab ride from a stranger.

UBER EXECUTIVE
I don’t have a good nature. Excuse me.



Int. AIRPORT. 

STEVE MARTIN is sitting next to JOHN CANDY, who are both waiting for a DELAYED FLIGHT.

JOHN CANDY
I know you, don’t I?

STEVE MARTIN
No.

Int. JET. 

STEVE is trying to get into FIRST CLASS.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I’m sorry. First class is full.


STEVE MARTIN
I have a first-class ticket.



FLIGHT ATTENDANT
You have a coach seat assignment.

STEVE MARTIN
Yelp will hear about this.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Oh, here, there, anywhere’s fine.

EXT. AIRPORT in WICHITA, KAN.

STEVE MARTIN
Hi honey. I’m in Wichita.

STEVE'S WIFE
Wichita, Kansas? What's going on, Steve?

STEVE MARTIN
The snowstorm closed Chicago, so we landed here.

STEVE'S WIFE
Thank you for letting me know.

STEVE MARTIN
Cellphones are so convenient.

STEVE finds an out-of-the-way MOTEL to spend the night via an APP. However, a TEXT ALERT informs him that flights are resuming shortly. He stays at the AIRPORT and soon after catches a FLIGHT, canceling his ROOM RESERVATION with the SAME APP. He flies HOME without incident, arriving at 10 p.m. He HAILS A TAXI with his UNBURNED CREDIT CARDS, no sweat at all, from the AIRPORT to his HOUSE. STEVE'S DAUGHTER answers the door.

STEVE MARTIN
Hiya, kiddo.

STEVE'S DAUGHTER
DADDY!

They all have THANKSGIVING and the DAY BEFORE together. 

JOHN CANDY still doesn’t have a home.

END

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