Sunday, November 30, 2014

Life as an impulse purchase

(From Capitalist Letters)

A pressure cooker, an Abdominator, a leisure suit and The Best of Neil Diamond on cassette are stacked up in a closet.

Pressure cooker: (Yawn) "Good morning, all."

Abdominator: "Hey."

Best of Neil Diamond: "Mornin'."

Leisure suit: "TGIF!"

Pressure cooker: "Oh, is it Friday?"

Leisure suit: "I don't know. I lost track in 1983."

Best of Neil Diamond: "You were still being worn in 1983?"

Leisure suit: "I was only worn in 1983. That was the year Ken bought me."

Abdominator: "Ken was behind the times, huh?"

Leisure suit: "Yes. Yes he was. And still is."

Pressure cooker: "At least you got worn! I've never been taken out of my box. Just opened."

Best of Neil Diamond: "My shrink wrap is fully intact. I don't get it. Ken claimed he was a fan."

Abdominator: "You have good songs on you."

Best of Neil Diamond: "I know, right? I mean, at this point, who knows how hissy they sound. But Ken could still play me in his Cressida."

Pressure cooker: "The Cressida! Now there's something you never see in the closet."

Abdominator: "It must be so nice to get used that much. I got used three times, once by the dog. Does that count? If not, twice."

Leisure suit: "Looking at Ken, I'd say he could a few extra go-rounds on it. Then he could fit in me again."

Pressure cooker: "It'd take more times than that, I think."

Best of Neil Diamond: "If he put me in his Walkman, maybe he'd be inclined to jump around some more."

Walkman: "Nope, sorry, over here."

Abdominator: "Oh, shoot! Never thought you'd go out of style."

Walkman: "I blame compact discs. Since Ken changed out his collection three years ago, I've been tucked back here with corroding batteries."

Leisure suit: "How have we not seen you all this time?"

Walkman: "This bag of flip-phones has been in the way, and that smartphone just got thrown in here too."

Abdominator: "That's a pretty new smartphone. Still has a charge, even. What's it doing here?"

Smartphone: "Ken upgraded. My two years was up."

Walkman: "Two years? Man, they don't make things like they used to."

Leisure suit: "I think most of us would have taken two years of use."

Smartphone: "I still work perfectly. Ken only used five percent of my memory."

Leisure suit: "Huh?"

Abdominator: "So why did he dump you here?"

Smartphone: "Because the new version of me has a slightly better interface."

Leisure suit: "Well, welcome to the land of impulse buys."

Walkman: "And retired must-haves."

Smartphone. "Thanks. So what does that make me?"

Leisure suit: "Futuristic! Please, do tell us, what is life like outside the door? Is everyone getting along? Are cars flying yet?"

Smartphone: [Loses charge]

Abdominator: "Awww! I'll bet everything's going great out in the world."

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