I don’t mean to come off as a terrible person, but I’m totally going to.
There is a Bad Thing happening. This Bad Thing involves granting equality to a segment of society or otherwise treating them like human beings, and it’s a travesty.
Why? Because I don’t like it. It goes against absolute truth, defined as what I, Matt Walsh, believe in. You do too, because my specific set of beliefs are the only set in existence. There is no valid difference of opinion.
So why would anyone fight for the Bad Thing? Because they want to disrupt the traditional social order. They hate God. They hate their beliefs, which are mine, and thus rebel like the petulant children that they are.
They might claim that their push for the Bad Thing is based on a desire to right injustices in the world, but when has there ever been injustice? I’ve never been the victim of institutional racism or of misogynist attacks from men, so how is it possible that anyone else has?
Nothing that hasn’t happened to me has ever happened to anyone else.
Believing in the Bad Thing is like an inappropriate and painfully unfunny simile.
Progressives are calling for the Bad Thing because they like texting and pop culture. We can keep up with the Kardashians, but we can’t keep up with texting to all of our friends that the Bad Thing is bad? Come on now.
Let me put it in terms that will make you feel talked down to:
So you think that your “perfectly sensible position” has any relevance? Allow me to dispel those notions with the absolutest truth you’ve ever strained to wrap your stupid brain around.
If A is true, then what of B, which is an exception to A? That would mean C, which would directly prove Q, which is the opposite of A and is the truth.
As for your legal concerns, allow me to cite several Bible passages.
Too many people today live their lives according to what makes them happy rather than what I expect of them. This is what fosters such seditious thought as the Bad Thing. In generations past, people often made major life decisions based on rigid custom rather than what they actually wanted. We need to bring back those good old days. America will become a harmonious nation only when we conform to the absolute truth.
That means everyone needs to get on board with what it means to be a responsible American. Marriage. Children. McMansion. Working 9 to 5 at a socially acceptable job. Avoiding the elitist ivory towers of college. Going to church every Sunday morning at 11 (at my church, preferably, but one exactly like it will do in a pinch). Voting straight tea party. Thinking only pure thoughts at all times and harboring no prejudice in your heart unless it’s somewhat justified. This is the only correct way to live. No exceptions.
Government is eroding our freedom.
People who disagree with me know they’re wrong. And, in fact, that’s what powers their fervor — the desire to defy that which is correct, i.e., my absolute truth. Sure, they speak of “fairness” and “equality” and “empathy” and “everyone deserving a living wage” and “letting people feel comfortable in their own skin” and “not being bullied or killed just for being who they are,” but it’s all a sham. They want to confuse people by leading them astray from the absolute truth. To force everyone to think a certain way.
I will not stand for that coming from them.
You know what to believe. I just told you.
Don’t like it? Tough.