Friday, September 12, 2014

Your sports theme is vastly inferior

You'd think this was a question I've mulled about 1,175 times in my life. But it's actually closer to six. The biggest obstacle to this one for me is that I don't generally come up with the aggressive music that such a question requires. Mine might say a lot about me, but if the purpose is to strike fear into hearts, well, the fact that I'm not especially intimidating is exactly what it would say.

I can tell you what song would have opened my hypothetical TV show, though: UB40's "Chronic." This song was the B-side on their cassingle of "Higher Ground" when I was in 8th grade (and wanting to start a public-access show at the station two blocks from my house), and to this day has few serious contenders, because I still have this hypothetical show to think about.

Now, on to sports. I am, after all, a juggernaut.

After attending a baseball game where someone's walk-up music was Men at Work's "Down Under," I thought that would be a good choice for me — except that the batter was Australian, which was the entire point of that. The closest I come to being Australian is having the name Ian and liking Men at Work.

I also dig the opening strains of Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer" as a psychological sports play, but come on, psycho killer? I hear sports leagues really frown on that, levying brief suspensions for it and all.

MC Hammer's "Too Legit to Quit" would be perfect if this was 1991, which it hasn't been since 1992.

And I have an undying love for the 2-player Mystic Cave Zone music of Sonic the Hedgehog 2:

The opening strains of the Zombies' "Time of the Season" would also accurately convey my coolness under theoretical athletic pressure:

And Starship's "It's Not Over ('Til It's Over)" is my cliché choice.

But my left-field pick would be my all-time favorite intro to any song — the only one that, when it pops up on my iPod, I play the opening seven seconds of repeatedly before moving on with the rest of it. It's not the most intimidating set of chords ever, but it puts me in just the right mood for anything, including hitting a home run or nailing the perfect interception. Cutting Crew's "(I Just) Died In Your Arms."


Phew! Now that I've got that figured out, I can get to work on my budding pro-sports career. Never give up on your dreams, kids.

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