Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Teen Wolf Too, the rewrite

Two years ago, I wrote an Editing Room-style script treatment of Teen Wolf. Now comes the inferior sequel script to Teen Wolf Too. Why? Because the sequel came out two years after the original; Editing Room hasn't done it; and I was on a three-hour flight yesterday. 

Int. Dean’s office, HAMILTON UNIVERSITY

JOHN ASTIN is hiring PAUL SAND as a coach.

JOHN ASTIN
Who are you?

PAUL SAND
Uh, Paul Sand.

JOHN ASTIN
You weren’t in Teen Wolf.

PAUL SAND
Uh, the character that I now am was.

JOHN ASTIN
You look enough like Jay Tarses, but you don’t sound much like him.

PAUL SAND
There’ll be a lot of that in this movie, except for the lookalike part.

JOHN ASTIN
I see you were an apathetic and terrible basketball coach at Beacontown High whose only winning season was due to a werewolf. So I’m hiring you to coach that werewolf’s skinny, intellectual cousin — who we don’t know to be a werewolf — in boxing at the collegiate level, which he doesn’t yet know he’s going to do because this is all a wacky misunderstanding that apparently can’t be fixed. Not that this would make any more sense if they had recast Michael J. Fox like they clearly meant to.

PAUL SAND
This setup makes negative sense, but I don’t care, so I’m on board.

JOHN ASTIN
Oh, it only gets worse from here.

Ext. Dorm

JAMES HAMPTON is driving JASON BATEMAN to college. No effort is being made to hide that JASON BATEMAN is supposed to be MICHAEL J. FOX.

JASON BATEMAN
Do you think I’m ready for college, Uncle James?

JAMES HAMPTON
You’re more than ready, Michael, er, Jason.

JASON BATEMAN
Looks like I’ll be rooming with all of Michael’s best friends, who are also starting college. There is no reason for Michael not to be here. Oh well. Thanks for driving me here, Uncle James.

JAMES HAMPTON
You’re welcome, son.

Int. Dorm room

STUART FRATKIN
Hey, it’s Jason! We heard all about you from Michael, who you are most definitely a different person than.

JASON BATEMAN
Who are you?

STUART FRATKIN
Stuart! You know, Michael’s best pal from the first film. My name used to be Jerry Levine.

JASON BATEMAN
Good grief, you look and sound nothing like him.

STUART FRATKIN
I also act nothing like him.

JASON BATEMAN
Your transcript must be different, too, because you got into college.

MARK HOLTON
Hey, I’m Mark! I’m Michael’s chubby friend from the first film and played by the same guy. I’m a boxer and I eat a lot!

JASON BATEMAN
You are officially the first thing to make sense in Teen Wolf Too.

STUART FRATKIN
I changed all your classes to screw-off courses.

JASON BATEMAN
Why? And how? What kind of school lets that happen?

MARK HOLTON
The same kind that signs you up to be a boxer by surprise.

JASON BATEMAN
Wait, boxer wha?

STUART FRATKIN
Don’t worry. You can change your classes back if you have glowing, red eyes.

MARK HOLTON
And you could learn to be a boxer if you happen to be a werewolf.

Int. Registrar’s office

JASON BATEMAN is trying to change his classes. The REGISTRAR is refusing all change requests.

REGISTRAR
Sorry, NO CHANGES! Only wacky dorm-mates can alter your schedule.

JASON BATEMAN’s eyes glow red.

JASON BATEMAN
Give me ... a keg ... of class changes!

REGISTRAR
Your homage to the first film frightens me with its impotence. Consider your request granted.

Int. Classroom

JASON BATEMAN is in BIOLOGY class. He wants to be a VETERINARIAN. He is SERIOUS about school, because he is wearing GLASSES.

GIRLFRIEND
Hi, Jason, I’m your girlfriend now.

JASON BATEMAN
Hi, Girlfriend. I like your glasses. I’m a boxer, apparently.

PROFESSOR
Jason, you show lots of promise. Also, I hate jocks.

JASON BATEMAN
I look forward to the bond we’ll share after I blow off half the semester.

Int. Gym

The first BOXING MATCH of the season. It is SPARSELY ATTENDED. There has apparently been NO PRACTICE. JASON BATEMAN gets ready to fight.

JASON BATEMAN
This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t be here. Can’t somebody fix this bureaucratic mess?

PAUL SAND
Given this bizarro alternate universe, maybe skinny white nerds are the best fighters. Physics might be entirely different. Or not. Whatever.

JASON fights a JERK and gets his BRAINS BASHED IN.

JERK
I get all the girls.

ALL THE GIRLS
We love a man who can punch out a nerd!

JOHN ASTIN
That jerk sure bashed his brains in. Jason is the future of this boxing program!

Int. Classroom

PROFESSOR
Biology! Biology! Frogs!

JASON BATEMAN
I still kind of like biology at this point.

GIRLFRIEND
And you’re still kind of a human being.

Int. Gym

The SECOND FIGHT of the season. JASON BATEMAN is up to box. MARK HOLTON is there, which MAKES SENSE, but STUART FRATKIN is there too, which DOESN’T.

JASON BATEMAN
I can’t fight. I suck.

STUART FRATKIN
Please be a werewolf.

Jason IS. He wolfs out after being KNOCKED DOWN.

REFEREE
I didn’t see nothin’.

OTHER BOXER
I’m about to lose my sight, and the majority of my other senses, too, I fear.

WEREWOLF JASON BATEMAN beats the CRAP out of the OTHER BOXER. This makes him the MOST POPULAR GUY IN SCHOOL. He is invited to a PARTY, where he is the LIFE. Then he gets a SPORTS CAR from JOHN ASTIN and runs CYCLISTS off the ROAD. Also, he BEATS EVERY BOXER. At no point does the WOLF exhibit any NON-ARROGANT QUALITIES.

Ext. Hamilton campus

STUART FRATKIN
T-shirts for sale, because that’s a thing I do!

PROFESSOR
Why do they say, “TEEN WOLF TOO?”

MARK HOLTON
Because Jason is the second wolf.

PROFESSOR
That only makes sense if you saw the first movie, which none of us did, because in our universe that was real life and not a movie.

GIRLFRIEND
And it happened in Nebraska, not Colorado, where this film takes place for some reason, so we didn’t read about Michael J. Fox in the papers.

STUART FRATKIN
Also, he’s arrogant, so I’m not sure why there’s even a market for this stuff.

JASON BATEMAN
Anybody want to peel out in my car, the one I got illegally for being a student-athlete and has the license plate “WOLF TOO,” thus ensuring I will be caught red-pawed by the NCAA?

STUART FRATKIN
No, you are a jerk and I am studying because I am just completely out of character at this point.

Int. Classroom

JASON BATEMAN
I hate biology and class is for suckers.

PROFESSOR
I’m sorry you feel that way.

GIRLFRIEND
I don’t think I can be your girlfriend anymore.

JASON BATEMAN
Eh, I can have any girl I want. Why, you ask?

ALL THE GIRLS
Because we love a jerk!

Int. Gym

JASON BATEMAN is sad because NO ONE LOVES HIM ANYMORE. He is sitting in the GYM all alone in the DARK. JAMES HAMPTON shows up, because it’s not like he HAS A SON anymore.

JAMES HAMPTON
You don’t need to be the wolf, or a jerk.

JASON BATEMAN
Can I also not be a boxer?

JAMES HAMPTON
Oh no, son, you have to be a boxer. You can’t undo that.

JASON BATEMAN
Well then, I want to box as myself.

JAMES HAMPTON
Have you seen yourself box as yourself?

JASON BATEMAN
Yeah, but remember, this is Bizarro World.

JAMES HAMPTON
Ah, true. Well, it turns out that I was conveniently a boxer in college myself. I can teach you some moves, though it would make more sense if you simply remembered what you did as a wolf and do that as a non-wolf. When’s the fight?

JASON BATEMAN
Tomorrow.

JAMES HAMPTON
That isn’t nearly enough time. You’re going to lose.

Int. PROFESSOR's office

JASON BATEMAN
I’m sorry, Professor. I was a jerk. Can you bend the rules so I can take the test?

PROFESSOR
I hate jocks, but sure! Right before the fight, for dramatic tension.

GIRLFRIEND
I’ll help you study and be your girlfriend again.

Int. GIRLFRIEND’s room

JASON BATEMAN and his GIRLFRIEND spend all night studying, presumably after all the BOXING LESSONS. It’s implied that they MAKE LOVE.

JASON BATEMAN
Well, that took a bite out of my study time.

GIRLFRIEND
My glasses are all steamed up.

Int. Classroom

JASON BATEMAN takes the test. He PASSES, doing especially well on the FROG and SEX parts. He goes straight to the gym from there, because sports works like that in movies.

Int. Gym

The FINAL BOXING MATCH of the season is underway. There are NO MINORITY FIGHTERS of any importance. The GYM is PACKED TO THE RAFTERS, because this universe is WEIRD. JASON BATEMAN is about to fight the JERK as HIMSELF, which is STUPID.

JASON BATEMAN
OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

STUART FRATKIN
Not sure why I’m your trainer, Jason, but YOU CAN DO IT!

STUART FRATKIN is PUNCHED IN THE FACE by the JERK, and it’s FUNNY and of no consequence to the JERK.

MARK HOLTON sees the PUMMELING and throws a NUT at the BELL. The CROWD CRIES FOUL, but the OFFICIALS DON’T SEE NOTHIN’. This sets up a GENUINELY FUNNY EXCHANGE.

JASON BATEMAN
Coach, do you have anything to say to me?

PAUL SAND
Uh ... no.

JASON BATEMAN then returns to the ring, where he is PUMMELED some more.

JASON BATEMAN
OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

JOHN ASTIN
What the hell, Jason? Don’t you want this car and free As and other NCAA-violating perks that I’m talking about all out in the open?

JASON BATEMAN
Take your keys back. This is my last fight.

JOHN ASTIN
Maybe you should take those keys and shank up your gloves, or something.

After about 150 more punches, JASON is knocked down. He gets up on the count of 9 because of his GIRLFRIEND’S LOVE and throws about FOUR PUNCHES to KNOCK OUT the JERK.

DON KING
Even I find this shady.

JAMES HAMPTON
GOOO MICHAEL! ERR, JASON!

PAUL SAND
Uh, you won or whatever.

SUSAN URSITTI
Whoops, wrong Teen Wolf!

JASON BATEMAN
I can understand your confusion. This movie ends exactly like the first one, down to me rejecting the bad-girl crush standing nearby for the love of my life behind her while a roaring crowd and James Hampton watch with approval. Except that here, the bad girl was the object of my affection for about two seconds, and only as one-third of a menage a trois, and I already made up with my girlfriend last night and just won because of her love, so the suspense is nil.

PROFESSOR
By the way, I’m also a wolf. See my tail? Grrr.

SHARK
I’m officially jumped.

END

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