Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Relationship tips

By Society
Guest contributor

Avoid a man if:

He’s single. If he’s any kind of catch, why would he be single? Nobody wants this person for a reason. Heed the planet’s consensus.

He doesn’t have a beard. That means he can’t protect you against the bears. Indeed, you should look for primal, Darwinian characteristics in every aspect of his life. Is he muscular? Does he drive a 4x4? Can he chop down sequoia trees with a dull butter knife? Does he own 15 varieties of firearms? How’s his night vision? Is he undertaking advanced specialized training for the zombie apocalypse? You need all of these things to survive the desolate, frozen tundrascape that is 2014 America.

He doesn’t talk constantly about kicking someone’s ass. You’ll want assurance that, in every conceivable situation from muggers to rowdy children, the guy won’t be afraid to throw down a beat-down, or at least threaten to do so. Ideally, he should ponder this hypothetical every few minutes for no reason at all. It shows he’s on top of his game.

He shows emotions. This goes against the Macho Code. You can’t picture John Wayne or Ronald Reagan getting giddy about a new hat or horse, can you? Of course not. Because they were Men®.

He makes his own sandwiches. This is time he could spend getting someone to make sandwiches for him. Poor time management.

He takes care of himself and his stuff. A real man lets his person and possessions go to pot as a symbol of how he needs someone to complete him. Exceptions include his toilet, his guns and his car — but only if his car is a big truck.

He hasn’t put away childish things. Manhood can’t occur unless having fun stops. It is impossible both to be responsible and to enjoy video games. That’s simply physics.

He doesn’t have crippling emotional issues. You can’t take it upon yourself to singlehandedly fix a guy who isn’t broken.

Avoid a woman if:

Her father isn’t a dominating, imposing figure who sees himself as something between a bouncer and a platonic husband to his daughter, and who delights in intimidating all potential suitors. You should notice this in a woman before you notice her eyes. If her dad dominates the picture, it means that her/his standards are sky-high, and that if you want to be the new overprotector in her life, you’ll have to defeat her evil ex/him. If you’re able to do that, you’ll know that in earning his respect, you’ve earned her love. It’s a tradition as old as the Big Bang that he no doubt doesn’t acknowledge.

She doesn’t have a jewel-studded purse that reads, “High Maintenance.” These women are high-maintenance because, according to them, they are worth every penny. Market value is a very important indicator of worth, thus it goes without saying that friendship and affection are commodities to be purchased. So buy her that drink and that car already, cheapskate.

She tells you early on that she doesn’t need a relationship to be happy. Huge red flag. If she says she’s independent or picky, run. You want a woman who is willing to settle for the first person to gaze in her general direction, stat! That means she’ll put up with more, leaving you with less of a need to better yourself, which is a lot of work.

She has her own personality, passions and interests. When you think of garbage role models, think of Akeem!

She has learned from the mistakes of the past and/or has overcome tremendous adversity. She’s going to be wise to you.

Tips for all genders and orientations:

Declare a type, and stick to it at all costs. The last thing you want is an attractive, friendly and intelligent person with whom you click but who has the wrong hair color. You can bend on friendliness, intelligence and clickitude if you must, but not on anything visible to the human eye, such as height, weight, eye color or salary. Image is important.


Refuse to date anyone your age or younger. Because let’s face it — they’re all too immature, right? Skew older, because they know exactly what they want — someone immature.

Don’t talk politics or religion. Why mar a glorious budding relationship by learning that your girlfriend is a virulent racist, or by discovering your dude thinks there should be a minimum wage of 24 cents an hour for women? These simply aren’t subjects for polite company. Keep such sensitive topics under wraps until marriage, minimum. Don’t you want some surprises for the long haul?

Don’t give up. This is true on two fronts:

1) Don’t give up looking for that perfect relationship. It won’t happen if you aren’t desperately searching for it every damn second.

2) Don’t give up on that theoretically special someone if they aren’t into you. Forget that advice about wanting to be someone who wants to be with you — nothing changes someone’s heart like a rigid sociopath.

Read this advice to the object of your affection, and see how they take it. Really, you should do this first.

1 comment:

KBliss said...

Complete opposite of me! Ha ha. Here's a woman's take on this. Society's lessons suck when it comes to relationship tips.

Go for a guy if:

• If he’s single, he might just be a hidden gem that vapid women haven't discovered yet. You just have to find out!

• If he doesn’t have a beard, you don't have to kiss anything scratchy. Plus, less chances that old food might be on his face somewhere.

• If he doesn’t talk constantly about kicking someone’s ass it probably means that he won't be a wife beater.

• If he shows emotions it means he can relate on a deeper level than just food, sex, sports and cars.

• If he makes his own sandwiches, you don't have to make them and in turn, maybe he will make one for you instead of making you do all the "wifely" duties.

• He takes care of himself and his stuff, then you don't have to worry about cleaning up after him.

• He hasn’t put away childish things, so he can't blame you for acting childish once in awhile.

• If he doesn’t have crippling emotional issues then he will judge you harshly for yours!

Go for a woman if:

• Her father isn’t a dominating, imposing figure. It's easier in the following years to deal with!

• If she doesn’t have a jewel-studded purse that reads, “High Maintenance," it means you can actually afford to make her happy.

• She tells you early on that she doesn’t need a relationship to be happy, then she can deal with the unhappy too. She will work to make the relationship last.

• She has her own personality, passions and interests. Then you don't have to stay at home with her ALL THE TIME.

• She has learned from the mistakes of the past and/or has overcome tremendous adversity. It makes her a better person!