Saturday, August 17, 2013

A sociopath's guide to swimming

So I went to my new apartment complex's swimming pool for the second time today. And from that arises this primer in how not to treat people, rolled into one easy-to-digest but hard-to-stomach package.

• During my swim, a beautiful woman also swims and tans. She looks like an ex-girlfriend of mine, though I don't tell her this. Also present: a woman and her two tiny grandchildren.

• A while later, a guy walks in. He's wearing a wife-beater and is dangling a cigarette. My first impression is that he is a jerk. I chide myself for rushing to snap judgments. He is apparently the beautiful girl's boyfriend.

• The guy has an adorable, yet gigantic, dog with him, which is not on a leash.

• After a couple of minutes the dog struts across the pool and begins approaching the children. The children are swallowed up by their floaties, never mind a dog that would barely fit in my car.

• The smallest of the two children, a little boy, begins wailing. His grandmother scrambles to move him away from the dog. His crying has a tone of madness and continues once he's sat down at the table. The little girl jumps into the hot tub.

• The whole time, the guy and the girl stare blankly at what's happening. They make zero attempt to stop it.

• Finally, the guy gets up and walks to the grandmother. I expect him to apologize. Instead, he says with a tone of disbelief and even accusation, "Was it the dog that scared him? Why would they be scared of the dog?" Because, dude, he's a dog the size of a van to them. Is that not enough?

• After he moves the dog out of the pool area, another stunning girl walks in. He knows her too. He calls across the pool, "HEY, N*GGA!" They are both white.

• He walks back to his girlfriend, wooing her with such charming phrases as, "Hey Ass, what the fuck is wrong? Motherfucker. Don't bullshit a bullshitter." He says this very loudly.

• When I look up, the girlfriend is crying. Wailing, really. To that he says, "Why you crying, Ass? You out of cigarettes? You want a cigarette? Aww!" Through her hyperventilation, she manages to say, "I'm just, I'm just, unhappy." As she says this, another one of the guy's buddies looks on from behind the pool fence.

• It's worth noting that, before he got there, the woman was happy. By the time I stormed out in disgust, children were crying, the girlfriend was crying and I was too angry to stay.

It takes talent to be that vile in so many overlapping ways. Here's hoping she drops the zero.

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