Monday, June 17, 2013

An open letter to Michael Collins

Hi Michael,

I just read your blog titled, "Saints fans are the worst in the NFL." I found it ridden with factual inaccuracies that, as a fellow writer and journalist, leave me worried about the integrity of your work. Allow me to set the record straight so we fans can continue our rivalry on an enlightened note:

• Saints fans are indeed the worst in the NFL, in the sense that we're the worst at disloyalty. Perhaps it was a space or kerning issue, but chopping off the "at disloyalty" part from your header casts it in a dubious light.

• You alluded to "good taste" preventing you from embedding the tweets that compelled you to write your blog in the first place. It would much easier to address the allegations you made if you sufficiently backed them up with the tweets in question. "Good taste" is no excuse, because it implies there was any good taste to be prohibitive.

• The picture of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as Hitler was not, despite your assertion, "classy." Perhaps that was some sort of linguistic trick on your part, but I can't imagine how such a turn of phrase can be taken at anything other than face value. As a Saints fan, I'm no defender of the Classy Commish, but neither will I defend such a sign. There are much more appropriate and creative ways to address Goodell's actions than that. I wrote him a letter, myself.

• I'll grant you that some Saints fans are awful and illiterate, because some people in Louisiana are awful and illiterate. But the Internet attracts awfulness from all corners, doesn't it? Considering how they behave in person, I can't believe you'd ever compare New Orleanians to the Philadelphia fan base that booed Santa Claus and threw battery-packed snowballs at players. New Orleans is a hotbed of hospitality; even if it wasn't, though, I'll bet most Americans would brave booing and projectiles to enjoy the French Quarter and the Superdome. (Come to think of it, Mardi Gras is all about projectiles, isn't it?)

• The Saints haven't been the "Aints" for awhile. The last time the Saints faithful wore paper bags en masse, I was young enough to be carried in one. Because I was an infant. I'm 33 now. This Aints talk reminds me of those who mock President Obama for being just a community organizer, because that was his job from 1985-88. He's accomplished a lot since then, and so have the Saints. That criticism is especially ironic because — how can I put this delicately — John Elway.

• Yes, Atlanta has New Orleans beat in number of pro sports teams. Housewives too. 34-19.

• Atlanta, contrary to your assertion, is the City Too Busy to Hate. We Saints fans are certainly too busy to hate it. Does that make New Orleanians better Atlantans? Work on that!

• "Who Dat" is not defined as "callow, en masse" in any textbook. It's an inquisitive query as to who can best the Saints in athletic competition. We ask because, most of the time, we don't know the answer. That question gets especially repetitive in the Georgia Dome, hence your understandable confusion.

I hope I have offered my corrections in an earnest, literate, dispassionate and non-callow manner. By refraining from any cracks about the dirtiness of your birds and how lucky you are that Gary Anderson missed that kick that year, I hope to be an ambassador for all that is good in Who Dat Nation. Thank you for opening up this dialogue. Can't wait for football season!

Yours in NFC South blogdom,

UPDATE! Collins had this to say:
And this:

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