(Inspired by this)
[All 32 NFL head coaches and commissioner Roger Goodell assemble in a room. Devil's food cake is served with a perfectly chilled beverage of children's tears. Lots of friction and trash-talk ensues until Goodell turns the subject to Tim Tebow.]
Roger Goodell: "OK, guys, time to talk about Tebow."
Every Coach In Unison: "Agreed! None of us will start him."
Goodell: "And why won't we start him?"
ECIU: "Because he's a Christian!"
Goodell: "Very good. Also?"
ECIU: "Because we are minions of the liberal media elite!"
ECIU: "Because we hate to win!"
Goodell: "Men, we could very well see every team going 0-16 this season."
ECIU: "It's worth it to keep Tebow, the best player ever created, off the field!"
Goodell: "And let's be clear — Tebow's blacklisting has nothing to do with his abilities. As a past Heisman Trophy winner, he is destined for the same illustrious pro career guaranteed to every recipient of that honor, like Danny Wuerffel. Tebow's recent lackluster play also has nothing to do with it. No, we are blacklisting him specifically because he is an unabashed supporter of Christ Jesus Our Lord and Savior, Emmanuel, the Lamb of Bethlehem."
ECIU: "Hail Satan!"
Goodell: "Now if he decides to be gay instead, that's fine."
Sean Payton: "If that happens, I'll drop Brees in a sec, that saint."
Bill Belichick: "Not if I get rid of that metrosexual Brady first."
Rex Ryan: "I'd take Tebow back for sure, because the only thing keeping me starting Mark Sanchez was Tebow's Christianity. With that out of the way, I could actually play the guy and end this misery."
Gus Bradley: "Hi, I'm Gus Bradley. I coach the Jaguars now."
John Harbaugh: "The team that prefers married players?"
Bradley: "Yeah, gay-married players!"
John Harbaugh: "I wish I had more gay-married players. We probably would have won the Super Bowl twice this past season."
Jim Harbaugh: "One of my players prayed the lights would come back on. That's why we lost. Being San Francisco only goes so far."
Bradley: "I will say this: Tebow's got heart."
Jason Garrett: "Yeah, the heart of Jesus! I don't care how perfect that heart makes him play; I will start Romo before him! Because of religion and stuff."
Goodell: "Men, there's no excuse to start Tim Tebow. Winning, despite the cliché, is not the only thing. Persecuting Christians always comes first! That's what our fans care about on Sundays ... and Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays and two extra weeks if we can hack it."
Tom Coughlin: "Ah, Tebow is mediocre! If he played better, none of this would matter. In fact, I guarantee that we'd all clamor for the guy if he improved. Superstar skill combined with name recognition? Are you kidding me?"
E(Other)CIU: "You're in the wrong conversation! This is the sarcastic one!"
Coughlin: "Er, I mean, Tebow is a boss! But as a head coach in the NFL, I do not do what it takes to win at any cost."
EOCIU: "None of us do!"
Coughlin: "Instead, I obsess over irrelevant aspects of a player's personal life."
Goodell: "Yes indeed. Well, not for dog-fighting or shooting guns or felonies or anything like that, but for excessive Bible reading, absolutely."
Coughlin: "I'm starting to get the hang of this."
Jeff Fisher: "Here, Tom, take a bite of this bat."
Coughlin: "No, Fisher! Gross!"
Fisher: "Eating bats is specifically forbidden in the Book of Deuteronomy."
Coughlin: "Ah. I mean, CHOMP CHOMP!!"
Goodell: "Yep, we sure hate us some Jeezus here in the NFL."
Mike Tomlin: "How have I not won every Super Bowl with Roethlisberger?"
Goodell: "Football works in mysterious ways."