Friday, February 08, 2013

Offer their rocker

Well, my professional prospects seem to finally be turning around!

They say you should pursue every avenue and leave no stone unturned when looking for a job. Well, I certainly remained true to that advice by digging into my spam folder. I’m glad I did, because this gem of an opportunity nearly escaped my clutches:

From: Xcheck

(That’s not my name but, eh, everyone gets Ian wrong.)

Subject: Creative work

(I do like creative work! How did you guess?)


We have reviewed your resume on the website of employment.

(The website of employment is the finest page on the world wide of web.)

FMP Management LLC. has an open Customer Manager position.

(Creativity oozing from every pore already. Slow down!)

If you would like a brilliant career in a fast-paced setting with a variety of activities and responsibilities, we would like to hear from you.

(My résumé keywords of “career,” “activities” and “responsibilities” are clearly reaping dividends. That website of employment sure had some terrific tips!)

Ideally we are looking for someone who is a fast learner, easy to talk to, and attentive to details.

(Finally, an outlet for those skills!)

- Providing our clients with the support


- Responding to clients requests regarding construction work, financing, maintenance, repairs, and appraisals and needs in a timely manner

(But clearly their clients’ requests for grammar will go ignored.)

- Coordinate appointments to show homes to prospective buyers
- Inspect condition of premises, and arrange for necessary maintenance or notify owners of maintenance needs.
- Accompany buyers during visits to and inspections of property, advising them on the suitability and value of the homes they are visiting.

(Creatively, of course, in the same creative way they described a real estate agent without once calling it that.)

- High School graduate or equivalent.
- Good communication skills, both written and oral
- Organizational and time management skills required.
- Skills or experience with PC, including E-mail, Word and Excel processing;

(Also, absolutely no sense of skepticism.)

We offer company, competitive salary - usd 2,800 per month (taxes included), excellent benefits, and an opportunity for growth.

(How refreshing to know that I will be paid in U.S. dollars, or “usd” as all on-the-level job offers specify.)

If you are interested please e-mail your resume to [A FREAKING HOTMAIL ADDRESS!!]

(Please reply by Oct. 15, 1998 ... no, wait, not even in 1998 did any major firm use Hotmail addresses in an official capacity...)

Hire Manager George L. Bowers
Hire Department of FMP Management LLC.

(Guess after reading this, the Fire Department of FMP Management LLC. will jump on me...)

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