Florida Sen. Marco Rubio will now deliver the Republican rebuttal to the State of the Union address.
TARAN KILLAM as MARCO RUBIO:
[Unblinking, unsettling stare at camera]
Good evening. I’m Marco Rubio. I’m blessed to represent Florida in the United States Senate. Let me begin by congratulating President Obama on the start of his second term. Tonight, I have the honor of responding to his State of the Union address on behalf of my fellow Republicans.
The State of the Union address is always a reminder of how unique America is. For much of human history, most people were trapped in stagnant societies, where a tiny minority always stayed on top, and no one else even had a chance. But America is exceptional because we believe that every life, at every stage, is precious, and that everyone everywhere has a God-given right to go as far as their talents and hard work will take them.
Like most Americans, for me this ideal is personal. My parents immigrated here in pursuit of the opportunity to improve their life and give their children the chance at an even better one. They made it to the middle class, my dad working as a bartender and my mother as a cashier and a maid. I didn’t inherit any money from them. But I inherited something far better – the real opportunity to accomplish my dreams.
This opportunity – to make it to the middle class or beyond no matter where you start out in life – it isn’t bestowed on us from Washington. It comes from a vibrant free economy where people can rithk their own money to open a buthineth. And when they thuctheed, they hire more people, who in turn invetht or thpend the money they make, helping otherth thtart a buthineth and create jobth.
Presidenth in both partieth – from John F. Kennedy to Ronald Reagan – have known that our free enterprithe economy is the thource of our middle clath prothperity.
[Wipes sweat into mouth]
But President Obama? He believes it’s the cause of our problems. That the economic downturn happened because our government didn’t tax enough, thpend enough and control enough. And, therefore, ath you heard tonight, his tholution to virtually every problem we fathe is for Wathhington to taxth more, borrow more and —
[Reaches over, grabs bottle of water and takes sip]
— spend more.
This idea – that our problems were caused by a government that was too small – it’s just not true. In fact, a major cause of our recent downturn was a housing crisis created by reckless government policies. And the idea that more taxes and more government spending is the best way to help hardworking middle class taxpayers – that’s an old idea that’th failed every time it’th been tried.
[Grabs Kool-Aid pitcher and takes big sip]
Now does this mean there’s no role for government? Of course not. It plays a crucial part in keeping us safe, enforcing rules, and providing some security against the risks of modern life. Ugh.
[Grabs bottle of whiskey and takes swig]
Mr. President, I still live in the same working class neighborhood I grew up in. My neighbors aren’t millionaires. They’re retirees who depend on Social Security and Medicare. Republicans have offered —
[Takes toke off joint]
— a detailed and (cough) credible plan that helps save Medicare — (Whispers off-camera) You better give me another one for this —
[Takes second toke]
— without hurting today’s retirees. Whoa.
Of course, we face other challenges as well. We were all heartbroken by the recent tragedy in Connecticut.
[Bends over to get fake glycerin tears]
We must effectively deal with the rise of violence in our country. But unconthtitutionally undermining the Thecond Amendment rightth of law-abiding Americanth ith not the way to do it.
[Grabs wad of cash marked “NRA”, clears throat]
Despite our differences, I know that both Republicans and Democrats love America. I pray we can come together to solve our problems, because the choices before us could not be more important. If we can get our economy healthy again, our children will be the most prosperous Americans ever. And if we do not, we will forever be known as the generation responsible for America’s decline.
[Ducks out of habit, nothing happens; returns upright]
Thank you for listening. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!