Friday, November 09, 2012

Parish the thought!

Disgusted by the recent successful application of democracy, some Louisianans are petitioning the White House to permit Louisiana to secede from the Union. To show how serious they are, many of the signees are using capital letters and even their real names. 

If this secession succeeds, we could be in for plenty of perks. Here is a short list of what the new Republic of Louisiana, LLC can anticipate:

• We’d be first, not 49th, in everything just like that.

• We’d be a foreign nation with oil, which makes it more likely we’d get some damn hurricane help this time.

• We’ll be free to build our levees the way we know how — Creationism.

• Jordan Jefferson can be a Founding Father. I hear he’s got hemp.

• Bobby Jindal finally gets to be president of something.

• Major League Baseball has the Dominican Republic. The NFL will have us.

• New Orleans can be our Vatican.

• Officials will build a White House in Baton Rouge just like in D.C. — with slaves.

• If the New Orleans Saints can’t be “America’s Team,” they can at least be someone’s national team.

• Our official language: Yat.

• New currency: LSU football tickets. Also, cigarettes.

• New drinking age: 18 weeks.

• New national motto: “A Confederacy of Dunces.”

• New tourism slogan: “It’s like a Third World country.”

• New protected class: Swamp People.

• The advent of the Tea Party will give Louisiana a third party. Or, as we’ll pronounce it, “Turd Party.”

• No need to erect border walls, because roads suddenly being paved serves the same purpose.

• We’ll have good diplomatic relations with Texas, but complain about the Gulf of Mexicans taking all our good offshore jobs.

• Finally, that civil war between North and South Louisiana can actually happen. I predict the South will rise!

• When things get really terrible because the federal funding sustaining our infrastructure and poorest citizens that we took for granted has dried up, we’ll say to ourselves, “That was a fun week.”


Jeri Bloxom said...

Your blog makes me LOL in the very republican news room where I work. I read it everyday after deadline. Keep writing, it is the only thing keeping me sane.

Ian McGibboney said...

Thank you for reading! I know the feeling, believe me.