Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Obama's victory speech (in tea party nightmares)

[Thunderous applause]

“Thank you! Thank you! Please! Listen—”

[Thunderous applause stops on cue]

“My fellow socialists! We did it! Tonight, we can finally declare America dead.”

[Whooping cheers]

“Thank you for being here so late to share this moment with me. Not that any of you have to go to work in the morning!”


“Except for the illegal immigrants. I hope none of you had trouble voting fraudulently.”

[Cheers in Spanish]

“Where my brothers at?”

[Cheers in Ebonics]

“All y’all mafuckas gots yo welfare, ya heard?”

[Mass chorus of “Word Up”]

“And food stamps. Free crack rock too! And I'mma be paintin’ the White House black, yo. Thanks for the votes, you white liberal cracka fools!”

[Self-loathing cracker cheers]

“That’s right, real American suckas! You done got duped. As George W. Bush once said, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... can’t, can’t get fooled again.’ Miss him yet?”


“I know you’ve all been waiting for the moment when we drop the American façade and get to work on Sharia law. A lot of you thought we could do it in one term. But change takes time. And we have taken major strides over the past four years — working toward ending the wars with our terrorist friends in Iraq and Afghanistan; killing Osama bin Laden because I hate competition; and, of course, our successful efforts in getting those four Americans killed in Benghazi.”

[Rapturous cheers]

“And, of course, we’ve dedicated quite a chunk of my first term in addressing the most important domestic issue of our time: The War on Christmas.”

[Chants of “X-Out X-Mas! X-Out X-Mas!”]

“My first act in my second term will be to appoint the Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Jesus czar. He will oversee Van Jones and Bill Ayers throwing rocks at churches. I’ll even reach over the aisle and appoint Mitt Romney to the Office of Business Failure. I think you’ll agree my esteemed opponent is perfect for this post.”

[Applausey applause]

“We will ban all Christian prayer in schools, churches, homes and minds. We will strictly enforce five-times-daily prayer to Mecca. Islam is now our state religion. Also, atheism. And evolution, because that’s a religion too.”


“I have signed legislation to outlaw morals, effective immediately. You may now use your complimentary shanks and birth control to either kill or fuck, depending on your mood.”

[Lots of murder and sex ensues]

“And yes, you can now say ‘fuck’ on live TV. Because, when you think of Barack Hussein Obama, I want you to think of how much I hate the children.”

[Child-hating cheers]

“To that effect, I also promise by the new year to expand legal abortion well into the 20th trimester. Your kid anxious about kindergarten? End that shit! No questions asked!”

[Satanic growls]

“And finally, I want all women and gays to know that I have your backs as human beings and as equals.”

[Fox News correspondent collapses into mound of sulfur]

“Thank you! Good night, and may God Damn America! Allahu Akbar! There is no God!”

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