Thursday, November 01, 2012

A conversation with Mitt Romney

“Thank you for meeting with me today, Governor.”

“It’s nice to meet you, fellow citizen. Beautiful weather we’re having today.”

“Yes, although it’s a bit muggy for this time of year.”

“Yes, it’s quite muggy. I’m actually sweating quite a bit.”

“I’m hot too.”

“At least it’s a dry heat. Not humid.”

“Actually, it’s extremely humid.”

“Extremely humid!”

“It could be worse, though, like Hurricane Sandy.”

“FEMA has made it way worse, though I should say they’re doing a heck of a job.”

“Can’t argue with that. So how should I address you, sir?”

“You can call me Governor Romney. Or Mitt. My personal mechanic calls me Dr. Detroit because I prefer American cars. What does your personal mechanic call you?”

“I don’t have one. I take my car different places or do the work myself.”

“What kind of car do you drive?”

“I drive a Scion.”

“Drive him where?”

“What?”

“Your scion. Where do you take him? He’s gotta be pretty young. Horse-riding lessons?”

“No, Scion is a brand of car. Made by Toyota.”

“Ah, never heard of that one. I’ll have to remember to get one for my collection. What else do you keep in your garage?”

“That’s it. I have one car and no garage. Also, a bicycle.”

“Sounds like you’re struggling. That’s terrible.”

“I’m grateful for what I have.”

“That’s terrific! You encapsulate the spirit of this great nation. So where are you from?”

“Louisiana.”

“Ah! Some of my best friends own states. I live in Massachusetts. I was governor there for a term. I’m very, very proud of my accomplishments. Like health care reform.”

“Health care reform?”

“No, that was a mistake.”

“I see.”

“So, have you ever been a governor?”

“No, but I’ve been meaning to get around to it.”

“You ought to try it sometime. It was the most eye-opening experience I’ve had since those two years I spent in France. Ever been there?”


“No, but I’d love to visit.”

“What’s keeping you?”

“Lack of funds, mostly.”

“What’s that, some youth slang?”

“No, it means I can’t afford to go there.”

“You kids with your expressions! I have five sons and I’ve never heard any of them say that. I guess it’s a new thing. ‘Lack of funds.’ ‘Can’t afford it.’ So do they spell that out or is it like, ‘a4ord?’”

“No, it’s a common expression. It’s been around for centuries.”

“Well, I have no time for the past. I’m a candidate with new ideas.”

“And what are those new ideas?”

“Returning to the prosperous Reagan years.”

“With a 50 percent top tax rate?”

“No, that would be socialist. But yes.”

“I sense a certain vacillating in your answers.”

“I am one of the most principled men you’ll ever meet. And one of my chief principles is, I change when necessary. And I’ll do whatever it takes to win the presidency because, at the end of the day, that’s what this is all about.

[Someone in a higher income bracket enters the room. Mitt beelines to him.]

“It’s nice to meet you, fellow citizen! Beautiful weather we’re having today!”

2 comments:

GDad said...

Does your head have a little window where we can watch these things in real time?

Ian McGibboney said...

I doubt you'd actually want to see that. Sausage...