I’ve been scrutinizing the 2012 campaign like an airport security guard giving a thrice-over to Hayden Panettiere’s full-body scan. And I’ve gotta tell you, Mitt Romney is the round, throbbing peg we need to fill America’s rapidly expanding sinkhole.
Now I don’t mean to go off on a rant here, but Romney is America: white, corporate and graying at the temples. He’s the love child of Donald Trump and John Wayne’s portrayal of Genghis Khan, which gives him the experience and authority to ban gay love (and contraceptives). Mitt’s a Latter-day Saint, and like the Saints, his team’s likely to get one win in the debates. But do the debates really matter? After all, Rutherford B. Hayes had a particularly memorable barnburner back in 1876, and he still pulled a proto-Carter.
One thing I like about Romney is his name, Mitt. That’s a nickname for a glove, as in baseball. As in, Field of Dreams. As in, national pastime. As in, apple pie. As in, America! Also, vagina.
(Let’s not even get into what Barack’s name sounds like. Orly Taitz already has enough knots in her lederhosen.)
Speaking of vagina, feminism has given Uncle Sam a vasectomy that Obamacare won’t cover, and us taxpayers are footing the bill. Romney will ensure that it’s January in America again. Look at January Jones. She makes me a Mad Man in a happy way. Not like those feminazis with the Klingon Joker faces they got from headbanging against the glass ceiling 18 million times. Mitt knows a woman’s place is in the house, not the Senate getting slut pills on demand from Sandra Fluke’s marijuana dispensary. He’ll turn off the Vagina Monologues stereotypes faster than you can say Lilith Fair.
Also, Mitt’s going to get the economy back on Ayn Rand’s railroad track. Right now, the IRS is Tron, and we’re the Red Guy. Romney will slash everyone’s tax rate like he’s emo and taxes are his pale wrists. He’ll also slip a LiveStrong bracelet onto that wrist, which constitutes his health care plan.
What we’re dealing with here in 2012 is Othello vs. the Game of Life. What’s the best that can happen in Othello? It’s just a bunch of black and white pieces. You outflank your opponent enough times and when you win, you pack up the game and go home. It takes a moment to learn, but a lifetime to master. A lifetime is a lot longer than four more years! Obama is also Othello in the Shakespearean sense (though if you went to public school, I’ll bet dollars to vouchers that reference is as useless to you as Extenze is to Milton Berle).
On the other hand, if you win in the Game of Life, you’re awash in luxury — giant mansions, lots of cash, insurance up the hemorrhoids, cars with round sunroofs for your wife and five blue pegs — and you can turn that giant Wheel of Fortune dial to your heart’s content. Mitt Romney is the Game of Life. Take a spin! And enjoy this promissory note while you’re at it.
Perhaps most importantly, we need a D.C. Cab to pick up Mitt Romney because it’ll be like 2000 again. Remember that glorious era? I do. I was still at the top of my game. But, as they say, everything changed after 9/11. And things need to change again. Because change didn’t work out the first time. Which is why all I have is change in my pocket. Call me Chad, because I’m dangling by a Kate Moss-thin thread. That reference is as fresh as a loaf of bread from 2000, which is all I have to eat, because Fox News pays like Bain Capital owns it. I’m going to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but I need your help! Vote Romney-Ryan in 2012!
Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be in the 1 percent.