Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day memorial

By Earl “Clem” Bob
Tea party contributor

Happy Memorial Day! Clem here. Hope you had a terrific day with your loved ones, eating hot dogs and apple pie and driving your Chevy to the fireworks stand on the levee. I sure enjoyed my day off work, though since they cut back my hours at the plant I never work Mondays anyway. And I’ve been divorced ever since gays in Massachusetts ruined my marriage, so I didn’t have the wife around. Mostly I spent the day watching the national remembrances on Fox.

Ol’ Clem holds nothing but the utmost respect for our nation’s military. I admit I didn’t serve myself, but my father, his father and his father before him all tried. I come from a long line of 4-Fs. But I try to serve my country in other ways, such as cheering whenever we go to war. And paying extra-careful attention whenever a National Guard ad starring Kid Rock airs. Also, I recently joined the Facebook, where I liked a “Remember” graphic all of my friends were sharing, so there’s that.

This morning while waiting to cross the street, I saw an old man driving his Buick affixed with the bumper sticker, “Love your freedom? Thank a vet.” He was in full uniform and scanning an American Legion magazine at the red light. I walked up to his window and lent my thanks. He beamed and I noticed a tear well up in his eye. Touched, I offered to drive him to the VFW. But when I opened his door and tried to push into the driver’s seat, he got all indignant and peeled off. In that split-second, he made a face that probably resembled the one he made while storming the beach at Normandy. It’ll haunt me always.

All gave some. Some gave all. Billy Ray Cyrus said that.

Today is a day to lay down politics and other divisions and unite to honor the brave men and women of our military. Without them, we wouldn’t be free to express ourselves. Our armed forces stand on a wall every day and night to keep us safe. We are blessed with the finest defense force in the world, and every member — from the lowest cadet to the highest brass — deserves our unending respect.

Except for the commander-in-chief, that Kenyan usurper. And the Democrats. The whole un-American lot of them.

I just watched the annual laying of the wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They don’t know who the guy is? Typical government incompetence. I noticed also that a guard soldier had to help Obama guide the wreath to its proper spot. That was such a perfect metaphor for his presidency that I looked up the word “metaphor” so now I know what it means.

I myself went to the Arlington National Cemetery about a year ago. I was always afraid to go before that, but then I heard that Washington, D.C. and Virginia are technically in the South, and the Republicans had just won back Congress, so I figured it was safe. One thing immediately struck me about those hallowed grounds: Ted Kennedy has a grave all by himself on a hill. I guess none of the dead people wanted ol’ Chappaquiddick near them, huh? I guess they were afraid he’d drown them to death ... again. Zing! Ted Kennedy may be dead, but the jokes will live on forever. Remember always.

I regret that I didn’t get to see the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. But I got thrown out after I took off my shirt and smacked it on top of JFK’s grave, which was on fire. They tell me that’s something called an “eternal flame,” which seems to me like it needs lots of fuel. Drill, baby, drill! Just goes to show you.

Now I have the Bangles in my head. Make it stop! “WE’LL PUT A BOOT UP YOUR ASS / IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY” ... OK, better.

Anyway, I hope y’all took time out of your day to remember that people are laying their lives on the line every day so that people like us can pontificate about how people are laying their lives on the line every day so that people like us can pontificate about how people are laying their lives on the line every day so that people like us can pontificate about ... mmm, pie!

Happy Memorial Day!

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