Rule #196: American Reunion With Reality
Movies about people in their 20s and 30s must occasionally depict at least some of those people not living in McMansions or in expensive lofts (and by that I mean normal people, not just stoners or man-children). Throw us a bone by acknowledging that some of us live in apartments or any other type of combination of cramped, crowded or decrepit quarters. Then throw us another bone, because it's hard to make it today and we could use the calcium.
Rule #197: Get It Write
Writers in movies who live in expensive houses and/or have beach homes either must cease to exist, or spend an entire scene explaining to us how the hell that works. I don't care if it doesn't advance the plot. Advance life.
Rule #198: Lock Mess
When you're riding shotgun in a car and waiting for the driver to remotely unlock the door, do not yank the handle. In 100 percent of cars, that results in the door not unlocking. And 100 percent of the time, it jacks up the lock. Patience, grasshopper!
Rule #199: Looking a Gift Source in the Mouth
Every day may be a gift from God, but have you liked every gift you've ever gotten?
Rule #200: Game Marriage (or, Ball and Chain)
The Jacksonville Jaguars should take their stated preference for married players and hitch the whole team — to each other. Because it's not true that behind every good man is a good woman — sometimes, it's a back. This is the Jags' chance to be known for something other than idiotic team moves. No it's not.
Rule #201: Taxes of Evil
Stop whining about income taxes, wealthy people. You know that ever-inflating percentage of people you claim pay no income taxes? Yeah, it's because they don't make enough money to live. They pay sales and other types of taxes, which burden them a lot more than they burden you, and they're often trapped in a cycle of debt. I wonder, too, how many poor people realize what a free ride so many the nation's most affluent get on both income and capital-gains taxes. To say nothing about the state of an economy that has pushed many formerly well-off people into a mode of austerity that no one should ever have to understand. I'm sure those who don't pay income taxes would love to be in a position to bitch about them. Alas, that is a luxury, and luxuries aren't too abundant these days.
This rule goes double for people who are struggling themselves, but align with the Romneys of the world. I understand the self-interest of the 1 percent; it's the sympathy for them I don't get.
Rule #202: Fulfilling the Blanks
Tearing up a standardized test should result in an immediate passing grade. Because that's what we should be teaching in the first place.