Monday, April 30, 2012

Leeeeee-Ronnnnnn Paul!!!

A new video game starring Ron Paul is currently in development. Here's what we know so far:

• Programmers are taking utmost care to ensure the game does not meet FCC standards

• Working titles include Paul of Duty, Dance Dance R(EVOL)ution, Miss PAC Money, Grand Theft Autocracy, Race Invaders, Dr. Game, Paul Kart and Doom

• Suggested retail price: 10 gold nuggets

• The game is a hack of Super Mario Bros., pitting Mario and Luigi against each other while Ron Paul makes a lot of noise in the background

• Our hero punches economists in the face, because that's real mature 

• Instead of life hearts, the game uses your actual wallet; if an enemy hits you and you can't afford health care, you die 

• Paul's sprite can't jump, punch or kick, because that would be inconsistent

• It's a first-person gardener

• You don't rescue the princess, because that leech of a monarch can pull herself up by her own bootstraps

• Up to six players can compete, if you can tolerate that many Paul fans in one place

• An online version will allow players to chat with each other about Ron Paul, just like in every comment section of every YouTube video, news article and like half of all stories

• It won't be available on PS3, Xbox, Wii or Nintendo DS — you buy the game code in a binder, program the port yourself and build a player from scratch

• A beta version for computers was scrapped because we're PC enough as it is

• A Rand Paul level is selectable for children

• Black people can't buy it

• Every objective in the game is terrible and indefensible, but it's OK because at least we're out of Iraq

• It's expected to be a cult hit

1 comment:

GDad said...

-New versions of the game are released every couple of years, but they're really just the old version with the year crossed out and overwritten in crayon.