Monday, March 12, 2012

Worst job ad ever

(Based on way too many of them)

Job title: 
Make up to $65,000 a year with terrific benefits at fun company!

Job description: 
Are you someone who likes to have fun in life and also feed your family? Do you desire out-of-this-world medical, vision and dental benefits? Well, have we got a opening for you! At Dynamics Amalgamated, we operate by our corporate credo of, “Live a Lucrative Life.” Do you think you’re up to the challenge? And the fun? Dynamics Amalgamated is seeking self-motivated individuals for our representative interaction center. The ideal candidate will turn our “Customer Concierge” telephone system into profitable solutions for our enterprise.

Who we’re looking for:
• Self-starting individuals who have no purpose in life but attaining the high that comes from helping our company make money! And also, feeding their families.

• People who thrive working eight hours a day in our patented “Cubicle Community” to deliver the kind of results we require.

• Energetic self-starters who unblinkingly use terms like “energetic self-starter.”

• People who are FUN!

Who we’re not looking for:
• If you plan to use this job as a stopgap or as a steppingstone to a different career, don’t bother applying.

• Those who desire to change the world or otherwise make their mark on society. We need people who are devoted first and foremost to Customer Concierge. The only solutions you should ever think about are our client solutions.

• If you are the kind of person into occasionally missing work for family-related or other issues, we don’t need your drama here. We at DA believe families should be fed, not heard.

• Anyone who feels a boss or supervisor should coddle you. Just by reading this, you should already be hitting the ground running. If you ever need help, you’re weak. We will check your references to make sure you’ve never asked a single question at any of your past jobs.

• People without experience. It’s your fault for being born later than the rest of us. You deserve to be punished accordingly.

• People who aren’t FUN!
Results not typical. Base salary is $14,000. Your family will probably go hungry.

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