Thursday, March 29, 2012

Was that headline meant to be hot?

Page 6 of Conservative Teen continues in the vein of the rag’s clever cover.


Prior to writing and researching this article, Matt Philbin received his marching orders:

“Matt, write a piece about how the liberal media is out to destroy American values through such authoritative mouthpieces as Katie Couric.”

“But isn’t she off the CBS Evening News now?”

“Doesn’t matter. She’s a liberal! No telling how many teens she’s corrupted through her broadcast by having pictures of people on her office walls.”

“How many teens these days even watch network news, let alone rely on Katie as their lone and unquestioned source for information?”

“Matt ... stop thinking. You’re violating corporate policy.”

“Sorry.”

“The point is that self-interested, hyper-partisan jackals run the mainstream media, and we have to get the good word out to teenagers so that they know not to trust its devious ways. And what better way to do that than through Conservative Teen magazine?”

“I’m on board. But how do we appeal to the teenage demographic?”

“I hear ‘Glee’ is a favorite among the whippersnappers. Let’s write up a piece that, at first glance, seems to celebrate the show, but then trashes it for being immoral, filthy and promoting the evil notion of tolerance! Comrade Katie appeared on an episode.”

“Oh, boy! I was about to ask how I could shoehorn in my disgust for sex and homosexuals (homosexual: someone who chooses to favor the libidinal company of the same gender, just to spite Jesus). I’d hate for that to go to waste!”

“That thing you just did with the definition? DO THAT IN THE ARTICLE!! A lot!”

“I got the idea from Cricket magazine.”

“That kids’ magazine that features intelligent literature and no advertising? Are you some kind of commie?”

“Iamnotnorhaveeverbeenacommunist!”

“Eh, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Roll with the definitions. Teens need to know what 'smutty' means, especially if we're going to tell them it's what 'Glee' is."

“Will do. Hey, I have an idea for a photo illustration. We could order a stock shot of teen dudes having fun but looking very gay —”

“No need. We’ve already got a bunch in our ... archives.”

“Cool!”

“OK, so I want 12 inches —”

“That’s what she said.”

“HA! I mean, heavens! I want 12 inches of copy on why ‘Glee’ is a danger to our youth, by secretly introducing the idea that gays, sex, drinking and immodest dress exist.”

“People who watch the show need their eyes opened to this!”

“I smell a Pulitzer. The good kind, not the worthless ones the mainstream media always win.”

“Maybe even a Nobel Peace Prize ... that’s what it is, right? For pieces?”

“I just have one more request for you, Matt.”

“Yeah?”

“Can you write the article in a way that makes ‘Glee’ look as enticing — and you as square — as possible?”

“Corporate policy!”

“Get on it!”

1 comment:

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