Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Tim Tebow huddles with God

“Are you there, God? It’s me, Tim.”

“Tim, you’re a bit fuzzy. Maybe adjust your signal a little bit.”

[Tebows.] “Can you hear me now?”

“Crystal clear.”

“Why hast thou forsaken me?”

“Is this about that Peyton Manning thing?”

“Yes!”

“What about it?”

“Well, despite my repeated prayers to you, you have decided that I am not blessed enough to be the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos.”

“I think you’re reading Me wrong. See, you’ve not only beaten incredible odds throughout your life to display football talent at both the collegiate and professional levels, but you’ve cultivated a personality that ensures people will talk about you for the rest of your life, no matter what happens. Many of your better athletes can only dream about that.”

“And I’m grateful for all that. But I want to be the best I can be. I appeal to you, Lord!”

“I may work in mysterious ways, Tim, but I gave you a set of eyes and a brain. Use them to learn a passing scheme, maybe. It’s not all begging and groveling, you know. You have to use what’s at your disposal on Earth to excel.”

“But my faith — ”

“Is terrific, and I appreciate it. But if devout Christian faith were all it took to succeed, Jimmy Carter would still be president.”

“Wha?”

“And Me forbid if merely name-dropping Jesus guaranteed anything. My extensive, natural system of checks and balances ensuring pontificating sub-mediocrities like Rick Santorum and Sarah Palin never rise to the top exists for a reason. And that’s why I’m counting on you, Tim.”

“Me, O Lord?”

“Yes, you, Tim. You see, right now you are the national lightning rod for Christian faith. You can be polarizing at times, but ultimately you are a football player. Everybody talks about you. You’re young and relevant. But most importantly, you have potential. Potential to earn your high-profile status by becoming the best quarterback you can be. Potential to be a religious conservative in the public eye who isn’t completely abhorrent and worthy of mockery. Someone who actually lives by the principles they claim and makes a difference in the process. A lot of Americans who consider themselves Christian and conservative beseech me constantly to bless them with a representative who isn’t awful. So, Tim, I beg you ... study that playbook, please! Wherever you land.”

“Oh, yes, Lord! Thank you. I won’t let you down.”

“Please don’t. I’m tired of people seeing your 316-yard playoff game as a sign from Me. If they’re going to read something into your stats that isn’t there, I at least want those stats to be high.”

“What’s next for me, Lord?”

“It’ll play out in due time. You’ll see.”

“But — ”

“But nothing. I’ve got a whole world to worry about! Go do your thing.”

“I thought that was a sin.”

“You know what I mean!”

“Gotcha.”

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