Meet Conservative Teen magazine! There’s actually some debate over whether it’s a real thing, given that its website has been UNDER CONSTRUCTION (or wherever it directs at the moment) ever since Buzzfeed ran and ridiculed some of its pages. Some of those pages indeed seem to suggest that it’s a parody or forgery.
But I think it’s 100 percent real. Why? Because I recognize every byline. Because the Media Research Center (the force behind the “funny” NewsBusted videos with Jodi Miller) is the real deal. Because these are really articles I would expect to see in something called Conservative Teen magazine. But mostly, because it’s such an on-target example of everything that’s wrong with today’s conservatism, and why it will never resonate with its target demographic (as they might put it).
Let’s look at the cover, if you can. Lots of pickings here. Where to start?
• The cover looks fake, like something done before illustration programs came along. Much of the type looks tacked on by a cheap word-processing program (the way I currently make my graphics ... I rest my case).
• The cover is as white as the two blonde, blue-eyed teen specimens on the cover. (Though it could count against the mag’s authenticity that the girl’s showing a little forearm. Nice job with the neckerchief, though.)
• “Countering liberal bias” is billed on par with “fostering conservative values.” Of course it is — though it seems to be the same thing these days. Conservatives are more obsessed with destroying their ideological opponents than they are with standing up for anything of their own. Notice too how they don’t stand up for “truth” or “justice,” but “conservative values.” It’s probably the one time they don’t hijack a universally good word for their own benefit. And the one time they should.
• “Hot air & cold facts of liberal media bias.” Seriously, that’s the big tease on the cover? Are they aware that teens care about many things other than that? Do conservative teens not want to read advice about dating, bullying or acne? (Fifty ways to make her know her place? Atomic Wedgies: Nerd Deterrent? Why greasy fast food is your God-given freedom and duty?) And that if teens do care about liberal media bias, they can check out adult media outlets like the National Review, the Washington Times, Fox News, Newsmax, WorldNetDaily, Rush Limbaugh and other explicitly conservative media that constantly whines about how the mainstream media doesn’t give enough airtime to their alternate realities?
• “Why the unborn need our protection, p.27.” This appears as a one-sentence blurb: “You deserve it, harlot.”
• “PLUS: Why abstinence works, p.24” ... three pages before the unborn-protection article! I’m guessing there’s no ad for “protection” in between these two disturbingly chronological articles.
• “Welcome to the debt-paying generation.” Now, that’s what teens love! Irony.
Next time: The next page. This is going to take a while.