A rich kid dressed as Iron Man and a poor kid dressed like a bum knock on the door and scream, “TRICK OR TREAT!” The homeowner eyes the kid with the expensive costume and gives him all the candy. Then the homeowner reaches into the bum’s bag, takes out half of what he got from the other houses and pours it in Iron Man’s bag. When the bum objects, the homeowner accuses him of class warfare and insists he get a job. At the end of the night, the homeowner will bequeath a huge bowl of candy to their own children, but most of it will rot because it’s more candy than they could eat in 10 lifetimes.
Halloween doesn’t happen because even though the kids want candy and the neighbors want to give it to them, everyone involved is too shy to ask for what they really want. Also, the children beat each other up.
The homeowner demands all trick-or-treaters get the hell off their property right this minute! Either that, or they give out cigarettes.
Tea Party Halloween
One kid will be dressed in blackface but insist it’s not racist. Another will have a Superman outfit with a misspelled logo (probably with a C). Yet another will be dressed as Thomas Paine, but only because they forgot to change out of their normal clothes.
Louisiana Politician Halloween
At first they’re committed to not participating, but they turn on their porch light halfway through the night because that’s what everyone else is doing. And the only candy they have is circus peanuts.
Tim Tebow Halloween
Everybody in the neighborhood can’t stop talking about you, but it takes you forever to get around because the Tebowing pose isn’t conducive to canvassing streets. By the time you arrive, you’re over. Which is just fine with you, because you probably think Halloween is the devil or something.
Bush Family Halloween
Dubya will dress as a member of the Texas Rangers and think he hit a triple.
Westboro Baptist Church Halloween
They dress as hippies and espouse a philosophy of love, peace and tolerance. It frightens the hell out of everybody.
Las Vegas Brothel Halloween
Lots of Mounds and Almond Joy.
Indianapolis Colts Halloween
Lots of Butterfingers.
New Orleans Saints Halloween
It can’t be any scarier than what happened yesterday.
They’re all sitting at home. Go!
Jersey Shore Halloween
Don’t take the trick or the treat. Either way, it itches.