Saturday, August 13, 2011

Speech cobbler

One of the beautiful things about e-mail forwards, apart from how thoroughly social networking has eviscerated their existence, is how reliably you can judge them by their covers. The following one came to me in 

GIGANTIC HELVETICA, underlined, bolded and centered like this! With lots of pointless, unnecessary line breaks!


Oh boy, here we go...

'My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Mission accomplished! 

And since it’s May 1, 2003, I strongly recommend you invest in Apple about now. And pay off that subprime loan.

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

Kind of the way I’m no longer in debt when I run out of money.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Well, this doesn’t sound so bad. I can get behind this reasonable, albeit quick withdrawal and WHA?!! Reckoning? Are we going to have a moment of reckoning at this juncture in our holy crusade? I reckon we will.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

I might need a diagram for all the individual corns in this pile of feces: 

• This is nitpicking, I know, but why have two lists? It’s clear what’s on the next one. I doubt you’re going to say the other list is a shopping list. Or a list of your college degrees. 

• Really? The Coalition of the Willing is now the barometer of whatever it is we’re about to mete out? I guess that’s why North Korea is on our shit list. They offered insufficient help burning down civilian huts in Vietnam. 

• Maybe the list being short is a sign of your pigheadedness, not theirs. 

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. 

Did I mention I’m an insufferable asshole of a president? You only voted for me because you were afraid I’d punish you for making an A-minus otherwise.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely. 

If they want our money, they better bring the tanks on our elective, oil-motivated excursions! 

The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. 

I don’t claim to be expert on war funding, but isn’t this extremely not even remotely true? And wasn’t the oil we got there supposed to pay for this? 


Social Security is solvent for far longer than that. And what problems do exist come from our staggeringly short-sighted refusal to put proportional deductions on those making more than $61,000 per year. 

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

You mean, unless they help us pour our money and troops into Third World hellholes.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

Hur hur hur! France effeminate surrender monkeys rude clove cigarettes! Go to them if you need help. All we do is kick ass and skimp on tips.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. 

No, not really. If I’m this much of a prick about foreign policy, you can imagine I’m not a cuddly liberal when it comes to solving our social problems. Oh, and our social problems are not vexing. I helped cause them because of the toxic, miserly, xenophobic, unconstitutional mindset that I will soon outline in greater detail. 

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. 

More corn to diagram: 

• We’re just going to pretend that we aren’t occupying your oil-rich countries and that that rightfully sticks in your craw, because we like to pretend you’re just barbarians. Also, like all arrogant bullies, we like a good fight for the hell of it. 

• We’ve taken it upon ourselves to rid the world of a concept. That’s our calling. But it's your duty to help us, because we're us.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China.

Sheesh... Another shot at France? No good comedian repeats a punch line that fast. Anyway, the French repelled a corrupt monarchy, jettisoned occupying Nazis and have historically provided some of the strongest military support in a variety of worldwide conflicts. And China? Really? One billion communists who hold U.S. debt? Those are your weak-kneed examples?

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. 

Yeah, thanks for not helping us in the Iraq war! That totally cancels out World War II. You know, the war where the world could have fallen to genocidal fascism, and had nothing to do with political diversion, family squabbles and oil. 

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. 

The entire reason diplomatic immunity exists is so rogue nations aren’t hostile to diplomats and emissaries from other countries. And really? Crushing cars? Is this that triumph over Big Gubment you so often sing about?

A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Sweet Jesus! Just because you’re raging with testosterone over a war gone bad doesn’t mean you have to slap the kid who just flung a drop of milk on your shoe.

Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Well, posse comitatus prevents U.S. military being deployed on U.S. soil in peacetime, but don’t let that stop you from your racist fantasy.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

Well, that’s arrogant too, but NAFTA does suck.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska ... 

We already do. And most of it goes to Asia. 

- which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. 

Um, no. 

If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. 

I’m never eating corn again. Sigh. Here we go: 

• Why? So we can live in a country where our Alaskan oil goes? 

• So we can live in a country that has a healthier perspective on combat, economic priorities and humility? 

• Does this mean somewhere, there’s a country full of levelheaed former Americans who still believe in free speech, clean air and a non-insane foreign policy? Count me in! 

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. 

Except for, you know, welfare. 

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.'


Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. 

That often happens at the point of a gun/tank/manless drone. 

It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. 

By starving homeless people to death. Two birds! And we can keep the proceeds for more tax cuts!

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

Unless we decide to invade Baja California and you aren’t fawning over that, in which case we will.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

Because even though we’re totally going to rid the world of Middle East terrorism, and fully intend to lord it over your heads, you’re still going to be invaded or something. Also, we’ll need translators because we’re provincial dicks and we fired all our gay ones.

God bless America ... 

...and no place else. 

Thank you and good night.' 

It’s probably daytime.

If you can read this in English, thank a soldier. 

If you can read this in its unreadable original form, thank your visual cortex.

1 comment:

Michael said...

I can read it in English because that's the only language in which such a screed could have been written. And thanks to my parents and my teachers who taught me to read in the first place. Where do the soldiers enter into that equation?

And I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that was a forward from someone in Rick Perry's campaign headquarters.