Saturday, August 27, 2011

New rules for the NFL in 2011

• Only surly, efficient teams can win 

• A 15-yard penalty will be assessed for excessive dreadlocks 

• Definition of showboating expanded to include “wearing numbers” and “making memorable plays” 

• Tattoo-to-tattoo contact prohibited 

• All players now considered owners, both to prevent player unionization and to “give them a skin in the game” 

• In keeping with Patriots protocol, Chad Ochocinco must keep a low profile like Tom Brady 

• In the event that Hurricane Irene devastates an NFL market, fans will not be allowed to crack jokes about it on signs. Because that would be uncalled for this time.

• Coaches can not challenge a play up to three times per game 

• Kickoffs now take place at the 35 yard line, kickers must boot the ball while running backward and the kicking team will be penalized 5 yards for every inch that the tee travels during the play 

• Numerous safety features and regulations have been added in an attempt to minimize the risk of damage to players, such as pushing for an 18-game season and trying to not pay players what they’re worth 

• Some players with a history of concussions are trying out a prototype helmet design based on motorcycle helmets that is not only lighter, but better at collision diffusion, that arrived 14 years too late to be of any use to me 

• Game-day drug testing will now be implemented. To ensure integrity, all players will piss on the 50-yard line during pregame. 

• Three words: Zombie Brett Favre

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