“Hot enough for ya?”
Not if it’s snowing or if I’m preheating my oven.
“Will wonders never cease?”
Yes, I’m sure wonders will cease one day. Killjoy.
“Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?”
It’s my nose. It’s big. A bus would smash my face to smithereens. Shut up.
“Where do they come up with this stuff?”
In their brains, the only organ capable of stuff-thinking and/or storming.
“Who wouldn’t want a shot at her?”
Gay men and straight women, as well as straight men who are not interested.
“Does it get any better than this?”
If you’re in a late-’80s Old Milwaukee beer commercial, not a chance.
“Who died and made you king?”
I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. It’s good to be the king.
“Oh, Superman, where are you now?”
Off shooting “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace” while you were polishing off “Land of Confusion.” Some friend you were, Phil.
“What am I going to do with you?”
Please don’t answer like my dream girl if you’re a mob boss. And vice versa.
“Why don’t they make the whole plane the black box?”
Because passengers make terrible tape.
“Why do 24-hour stores have locks on the doors?”
In case they go out of business.
“Why is there Braille on drive-up ATM buttons?”
So you can press dot for English or dot-dot par Español.
“Is it in you?”
If you’re referring to my internal organs, food or Gatorade, yes. Everything else, I sure as hell hope not.
“What came first, the chicken or the egg?”
Whichever of the two is older.
“What’s not to love?”
He nicknamed his duodenum “Mitch.”
“Who would have guessed?”
Quite possibly the police.
“What do I look like, an idiot?”
If you’re an idiot, then by definition you do.
“If not now, when?”
Later. Perhaps never.
“What’s the deal with...”
Yeah, really! What IS the deal?
”What have I done to deserve this?”
Good point. You read this blog, so you’ve suffered enough.
“Can I ask you a rhetorical question?”