Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Parental Advisory: Explicit Cigarettes

American cigarette packs will soon be required to show graphic depictions of the effects of smoking, as is done in some other countries. Future regulations will include the following measures:

• All cigar boxes will be required to show Rush Limbaugh with a giant cigar in his mouth

• NyQuil to roll out new cigarette line, for those who seek nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, stuffy head and sore throat

• Class B Cigarettes

• All new lighters will spark with a recording of Humphrey Bogart hacking up a lung circa 1956

• All movie and TV scenes depicting smoking will work in dialogue about what a bad habit it is

• For patrons’ convenience, smoking sections of restaurants and bars will be on fire

• Free cancer for anyone who wants it, no questions asked

• The number of Kool-Aid Points required to buy cigarettes will sharply increase

• Hey, teens: smoking causes acne and syphilis! Don’t believe me? I saw it on the Internet!

• Include updated classic baseball cards to show what famous players looked like when they died of cancer

• Every pack of Marlboro comes with a free cow to corral

• Cigarettes will be redesigned to fit between gum and cheek. Yes, it will burn like hell. Whose fault is that?

• Every third pack will lack the U.S. tax stamp; police will step up tax-stamp enforcement

• The whole nation will be Shallow Halled into seeing smokers as giant burnt lungs

• Cigarettes can be smoked after sex, but only by the man, because a woman cannot engage in unclean habits in her dutiful capacity as an expectant mother in the eyes of the Lord

• Hipsters are exempt from all tobacco regulation; I’d tell you why, but you wouldn’t understand

• Camel Cash now good only for actual camels and trips to Turkey

• Marlboro Miles now have to be jogged

• Tobacco companies now allowed to advertise on TV, but three-quarters of the screen will feature clogged hearts and cancerous organs

• Safer options for smokers will be stressed like, I don’t know, weed

• New packs of cigarettes will have tar and nicotine separated, so smokers can see what they’re inhaling. Also, because it’s fun to shake stuff before using

• From here on out, cigarettes will stain your teeth and fingers, make you stink and make you unable to enjoy any activity uninterrupted for the rest of your life

1 comment:

venessalewis said...

These are great.....I could actually see the one about dialogue in movies happening. We already have a barrage of product placement in fim. Why not message placement also? Also....smoking is just nassssty people....do you really need these graphics to illustrate that to you?