Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Bartlett's Unfamiliar Quotations

In the wake of Osama bin Laden's death, a lot of eerily prescient quotes on the matter have been attributed to Martin Luther King Jr. and Mark Twain. Many of these have since been declared fabricated. What follows are some of the more egregious "quotes" from these and other historical figures.

"Osama bin Laden is a poor rafting companion." — Mark Twain

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their carry-on." — Martin Luther King Jr.

"I never met a man I didn't like, and I've never met Osama bin Laden." — Will Rogers

"Nine...eleven..." — Count von Count, Sesame Street

"The only thing worse than being talked about is being talked about because people are happy that you're dead." — Oscar Wilde

"Look, 9/11 was a terrible time for all of us. But if there's anything we've learned from it, it's that we have look forward as a nation." — Rudy Giuliani

"OK, now he's irrelevant." — George W. Bush

"I'd rather see a hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man executed. But one guilty man executed is the most fun." — William Blackstone

"BOO-YAH, bitches!!" — Barack Obama

"President Obama has balls. I like his style. We need a commander-in-chief who ain't afraid to stand up to our enemies and give them a butt-whoopin'." — Every redneck blowhard from 2001-2009 who said this about Bush

"For the last time, it starts with a U!!" — Usama Young, New Orleans Saints

"Just like we should weep whenever an unborn baby reaches a barbaric end, we should also weep for every person who reaches a violent end at the hands of another of God's children." — Pat Robertson

"Teacher says, whenever a bell rings, a terrorist gets dinged." — It's A Wonderful Life

"Good job, Obama." — Sarah Palin

"Wow! This is so much more important than that birth certificate crap. I am humbled." — Donald Trump

"In the fifth month of the year, on the first day, at 10 p.m. Central Daylight Time, a leader will come forth and declare an epic win." — Nostradamus

"What do you mean, they're sitting on raid footage? Americans deserve to see it unedited and uncensored!" — Andrew Breitbart

"Well, this changes everything!" — every libertarian, anarchist, contrarian liberal and tea party member

3 comments:

venessalewis said...

Did you make all of these up? Brilliant!

venessalewis said...

Also:

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between proves his citizenship, verbally smacks an opponent and obliterates a mortal enemy." -Bob Dylan

Jason said...

Oh I wanna play...

You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also, then bust a cap in his dome!....Jesus