Monday, April 18, 2011

Reasons to smile

• Colors are pretty.
• Nothing has killed you yet.
• The Constitution doesn’t protect the rights of cockroaches.
• You’ve never been tortured to within an inch of your life, and then died from it.
• It is not illegal to think in most jurisdictions.
• You live in one of the few times in history where you don’t spend every minute of your wretched existence covered in feces.
• Employers can’t kill you for just any reason.
• The Unabomber doesn’t have an e-mail address.
• Your fingerprints will never be confused with any terrorist’s.
• Talent is not a requisite for YouTube videos.
• Hitler is still dead.
• Daffy Duck.
• Pizza tastes great.
• If you’re reading this, chances are you’re not currently having your eyes gouged out.
• Someone might eventually invent hoverboards.
• Corn dogs can’t be made out of human fingers anymore.
• Laws prevent Glenn Beck from walking into your house uninvited and giving you a lecture on how liberals are out to get your lawn gnomes.
• They still make music.
• Skin oil doesn’t short out keyboards.
• That time you had to sit in a corner and do busywork because you chased a girl on the playground in 3rd grade doesn’t count against your credit rating.
• Steering wheels are no longer guaranteed to impale you in head-on collisions.
• States have different names, which makes travel easier.
• Soylent Green may be people, but you can’t find it at Target.
• In terms of real time, you spend very little of your life screaming in agony over pulled muscles.
• We’re not living in the year 2000 with hindsight.
• The Dollar Store hasn’t yet changed its name to The Dollars Store.
• “Jersey Shore” is not “Must-See TV.”
• “The Wonder Years” ended its run well before we got to see Kevin Arnold with a mullet in 1991.
• People tend to get what they deserve, whether it’s a karmic slap or a bonus smoothie.
• Your digestive system. Seriously, how cool is that thing?
• Speed limits over 55.
• Books can’t shoot you in the face.
• Speed limits under 85.
• Sewers.
• That this list is the first draft of a much longer project I hope to expand.

1 comment:

Jester said...
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