Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Attention birthers!

Reading that President Obama released his long-form birth certificate was a hell of a way to start the day. I spent last night partying in New Orleans, so this was an intellectual hair of the dog for me.

My immediate reaction was unbridled joy. I watched Obama's brief statement, wherein he said it was time to focus on more pertinent issues. BAM. Case closed! 

Afterward, I tweeted, "What are the birthers gonna bitch about now?" It doesn't get much more direct than responding to your most vociferous and unhinged critics who are demanding your original long-form birth certificate with, "Here's the long-form birth certificate."

It barely took a nanosecond for me to answer my own question, and not much longer to read other excuses I hadn't thought about. Which is why I would like to address you birthers directly.

• Don't carry this any further. Ever since you decided Obama's citizenship was not convincing enough for you, you have been griping about how unsatisfied your are with the proof. It might have been a legitimate issue for a few minutes back in 2008, but the Obama campaign acted fast by producing a certified Hawaii birth certificate. But of course, it was a recent printout, the kind that Hawaii issues to everyone these days, so that wasn't enough for you. Show us the long-form certificate, you said. There must be some reason Obama is spending millions to repress it, etc. Yadda yadda yadda. Where's the long form? Where's the long form? Long form? Long form! LONG FORM!!

Well, now you've got it. And still you're not satisfied. You still have questions such as, why did it take so long to deliver?

It took so long because you're awful. Most of us were satisfied with this issue long ago. Many who bought into the notion early on have since changed their tune. That's left us with a shrill vocal minority, amplified by cartoon characters like Donald Trump.

(Quick aside — if you think Donald Trump believes any of this horseshit for a second, you deserve to vote for him. He's a businessman first and foremost, and all about building his brand. His reaction to today's news shows that it's all about HIM.)

To Obama, that shrill minority probably wasn't worth addressing. Frankly, I'm surprised that he did. But in doing so, not only has he gone the extra mile to provide what you wanted, but also proved that you are not acting on good faith. That was not in your best interest, to put it mildly.

Be honest with yourselves. Now that you have the long-form birth certificate you've craved for years, you'll no doubt be nitpicking every detail of it for a long time to come. You'll laser in on a handful of "discrepancies" that will become the new birther talking points, and will become the latest way to waste the president's time. I'm not sure what they'll be. I saw one objection already that the attending physician's signature isn't on it (it is, so I've saved you one). They'll probably involve the paper quality or something. Whatever it is, it'll no doubt seem desperate.

Nobody who questions Obama's legitimacy ever seems to like Obama. You never hear anyone say, "I support Obama and like that he's president, but questions over his birth rub me the wrong way." In fact, every birther I've ever heard seems to hate him with a passion. And you know what? That's fine. I, for one, despised George W. Bush immensely. When he refused to release his full military records in the wake of allegations that he'd gone AWOL, I joined the chorus of citizens calling for them. And I imagine that if he had, I and everyone else would have been satisfied with the result. I know I wouldn't have alleged that the documents were fake without probable cause. In that case, there was a legitimate question, not some personal vendetta.

Which is why I'm asking you birthers to be honest with yourselves. Rejection of the long form proves that you are less interested in the truth than in bringing down Obama. I have a feeling that if God itself came down from the sky with a projector and played footage of Obama's actual birth (complete with establishing shot of the hospital) and a firsthand account from Obama's mom, your first question would be, "Why did God wait until now?" Followed by, "What is God hiding?"

I don't know what's stronger with you birthers: your hatred for Obama, or your love for conspiracy. But they're both equally reprehensible. And I hope today is the day that you admit that you just wish the president was illegal so you didn't have to deal with him or the idea of him. And that nothing will ever convince you that your predetermined prejudice is anything but legit. At least be honest about it and spare us all the bullshit.

We're better than this. We're better than you.


venessalewis said...

BAM. Eat it birthers. didn't take long! LOL

Anonymous said...

How about, "The CIA can create any forged document that Obama tells them to."

Ian McGibboney said...

I like it! It's got intrigue, conspiracy and a convenient out for anything that counters it now and forevermore. It's perfect!

Anonymous said...

My only question is why it took them so long?

Ian McGibboney said...

I addressed that.

Jason said...

It took so long because he caved. He wasn't going to do this because it is preposterous, and has strong racial implications. It should not have even been dignified with a response much less a capitulation. I personally am not glad he released it, but the fact that it isn't enough for birthers is certainly no big surprise. Stupid stays stupid, and ANYONE who questioned his citizenship is exactly that...stupid.

Ian McGibboney said...

I don't see any form of capitulation here. It's true that these morons will spew their bile until the end of time, but Obama just made it a lot harder for them to look reasonable. Exposing their true agenda is not the same as playing along with it.

Anonymous said...

Keep on carrying your Moonbat Messiah's water, Ian. Sure he hasn't given you anything that he promised to (a job, free healthcare, free housing, paid off student loans, utopia, etc.)... but he will someday if you just keep on believing! Really!!

Ian McGibboney said...

Yes, I'm carrying my messiah's water by insisting that birthers are dishonest and move the goalposts every time they rightfully get called out on their racist, xenophobic BS.

Such a low bar for cult of personality these days.