Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Call it Shaken Baby Stockholm Syndrome

Who needs video dating when there's YouTube?



After watching this video, I couldn't help but be smitten by this woman. So I did some searching and found her apartment complex, jumped on a flight and asked her out.

Me: "Hi there!"

Her: "Hi! Can I help you?"

Me: "Yes. I love you."

Her: "Really? That's weird. We don't know each other."

Me: "That's true. But God works in mysterious ways."

Her: "I've been praying for a boyfriend. But I need a sign."

Me: [GRABS HER SHOULDERS AND SHAKES HER BACK AND FORTH]

Her: "Oh, thank you, Lord, for shaking me out of my doubts!!"

Me: "Now will you go out with me?"

Her: "Of course! But how do I know you're The One?"

Me: "Before I got here, I murdered your entire family."

Her: "Really?!! That's so amazing!"

Me: "Even the hamster."

Her: "Why the hamster?"

Me: "Because I had to show that hamster that I am the one for you."

Her: "Hamsters aren't people."

Me: "Yeah, but he lived in the house."

Her: "Good point. Everyone who lives in a defined set of borders is exactly the same."

Me: "Exactly. You made that point quite well in your Japan video."

Her: "I know! Wasn't that disaster amazing?"

Me: "I doubt there are any atheists in Japan now, right?"

Her: "No way! God's so good. He answered all our prayers!"

Me: "So you were praying for God to shake Japan and cause a nuclear meltdown?"

Her: "Specifically. All week long. And now I can't contain my joy."

Me: "Great news indeed. So what's next for you?"

Her: "I'm now praying for God to strike the U.S. There are atheists all over the country. And I'm on my knees every morning and night imploring God to just destroy America, every square mile of it, until the skeptics come around to how amazing God is."

Me: "I don't possibly see how that wouldn't work wonders."

Her: "I know, right?"

Me: "It would make our first date a bit awkward, though, you know, if we were able to have it."

Her: "Yeah. I'd rather our first date be postponed by the opening of the Earth's molten core and the swallowing of all the unrighteous while the true believers fly to heaven in the Rapture. Preferably on Easter Sunday."

Me: "It'll be my treat."

Her: "The world would be such a joyous place if everyone died."

Me: "And we became a Christian nation, at least for a few minutes."

Her: "Amen."

Me: "So, Judgment Evening at 7?"

Her: "It's a date!"

[Her parents' minivan pulls up.]

Her: "Hey, wait a minute! I thought you said you killed my family?"

Me: "Um... no. I would never kill anyone. In fact, I've never even met them and just guessed you had a hamster. And I abhor any form of aggression against women. I just thought that's what impressed you. Sorry."

Her: "Sorry doesn't cut it. God is never sorry. He works in mysterious, and violent, ways. And if want to be with me, well, you're going to have to do better than just talk the talk."

Me: "So are we still going out?"

Her: "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth."

Me: "But I will be!"

Her: [SLAMS DOOR]

Me: "Good heavens!"

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