Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Questions I'd like to ask God

I hope you understand that the reason we don’t capitalize your pronouns in the media is because Associated Press style mandates that we don’t. Also, we’re liberal. Can You forgive Us?

Who spoke for you in the intervening eons before your word became the exclusive province of right-wing American political hypocrites?

Do you really bless every single person who sneezes? Seems like that would eat significantly into your gay-hating time.

Why do the bad guys seem to triumph so much these days, when the Transformers cartoons I grew up watching so clearly stated that the Autobots always win?

What is it with you and Tom Brady? How can you cram so much good fortune into one human being? And why does it have to be him?

While trudging through more than a foot of snow on Super Bowl Sunday, I noticed one set of footprints. But I don’t remember you carrying me. Were you too busy blessing Texas?

What, if anything, do you and George W. Bush talk about?

Did you punish John Denver for “Oh, God”? If you did, that was totally unfair. That film was funny as hell...er...heaven...er...you get the idea.

“Dogma” spelled backwards is “amgod.” Was that the idea when you invented English?

They say cleanliness is next to godliness. If thou shalt have no other gods before you, does that mean clean people are blasphemers?

Can you command the Gideons to put Glenn Beck books in every hotel room? I’m not asking you to, I’m just wondering if I have to worry about that.

What’s up with the fish? EHarmony.com?

I have a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner. Am I going to hell?

Why do you have to be a mystery? Can’t you just be a solid piece of non-fiction once in a while?

How do magnets work? Follow-up question: What kind of benevolent deity tolerates Insane Clown Posse?

Final question (for now): Are you for real? Sometimes I hope you are and sometimes I hope you aren’t. I hope you are when I think of the blip of time that man occupies the universe. I hope you aren’t when I get a taste of the insane hardships of the world that occur while some of the most vile people on the planet never seem to receive the slightest bit of karmic comeuppance (and I don’t mean Tom Brady). And if you are real, can you help us out just a little bit?

Please?

(Before anybody rides me for this post, let me just say that I think any god out there has got to have a sense of humor. Or at least the thickest skin there is. If not, why would we?)

2 comments:

NOLA Progressive said...

I'd also like him to explain the popularity of reality t.v....I mean really.

NOLA Progressive said...
This comment has been removed by the author.