The other day, I posed a list of questions I would want to ask God. Well, God works in mysterious ways, this time meaning through Twitter. I asked @G_O_D_Almighty to take me through this weird thing called life, and he happily obliged. Here are his answers:
I hope you understand that the reason we don’t capitalize your pronouns in the media is because Associated Press style mandates that we don’t. Also, we’re liberal. Can You forgive Us?
Who spoke for you in the intervening eons before your word became the exclusive province of right-wing American political hypocrites?
Do you really bless every single person who sneezes? Seems like that would eat significantly into your gay-hating time.
No and I don't hate gays specifically.
Why do the bad guys seem to triumph so much these days, when the Transformers cartoons I grew up watching so clearly stated that the Autobots always win?
Autobots don't exist to defeat bad guys.
What is it with you and Tom Brady? How can you cram so much good fortune into one human being? And why does it have to be him?
I'm sorry about Tom Brady. Truly.
While trudging through more than a foot of snow on Super Bowl Sunday, I noticed one set of footprints. But I don’t remember you carrying me. Were you too busy blessing Texas?
Nope, I was messing with Texas that whole week. George W. Bush did NOTHING after I did that. What a pansy.
What, if anything, do you and George W. Bush talk about?
I don't talk to him. He's... nuts....
Did you punish John Denver for “Oh, God”? If you did, that was totally unfair. That film was funny as hell...er...heaven...er...you get the idea.
I punished John Denver for bad singing. I loved "Oh, God" which is why the 2 sequels.
“Dogma” spelled backwards is “amgod.” Was that the idea when you invented English?
I didn't invent English. Long story...
They say cleanliness is next to godliness. If thou shalt have no other gods before you, does that mean clean people are blasphemers?
Cleanliness is NEXT to godliness. Not actual godliness. But your conclusion is witty.
Can you command the Gideons to put Glenn Beck books in every hotel room? I’m not asking you to, I’m just wondering if I have to worry about that.
What’s up with the fish? EHarmony.com?
The fish came from the quote "give a man a fish, teach a man to fish" I wanted NO symbolism of me. Yet people worship a cross.
Not sure what you want to know about EHarmony. I had nothing to do with it.
I have a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner. Am I going to hell?
No you're not going to hell for the Dirt Devil.
Why do you have to be a mystery? Can’t you just be a solid piece of non-fiction once in a while?
The mystery is the lack of symbol thing. I'm solid quite often, you just don't know it.
How do magnets work?
Magnets work by laws of molecular cohesion. Sadly, earth science only relates that to chemistry right now.
Follow-up question: What kind of benevolent deity tolerates Insane Clown Posse?
If I can tolerate Bieber, Katy Perry, BSB, NKOTB, etc. I can tolerate ICP. Essentially, I don't listen to them.
Final question (for now): Are you for real? Sometimes I hope you are and sometimes I hope you aren’t. I hope you are when I think of the blip of time that man occupies the universe. I hope you aren’t when I get a taste of the insane hardships of the world that occur while some of the most vile people on the planet never seem to receive the slightest bit of karmic comeuppance (and I don’t mean Tom Brady). And if you are real, can you help us out just a little bit? Please?
I'm as real as you'd like to believe, but not in ways that you'd completely understand. George Burns had a great quote at the end of "Oh God": "However hopeless, helpless, mixed up and scary it all gets, it can work."
Reader NOLA Progressive asks: “I'd also like him to explain the popularity of reality TV...I mean really.”
I have no clue why reality tv is big. People are afraid of their own lives and are tired of celebs, I guess.
Thank you for your time, good sir.