Monday, February 14, 2011

How I spent every Valentine's Day

1980: Weighing a pound and a half in the womb and starting to develop smooth skin and baby fat.

1981: Not getting valentines.

1982: Not getting valentines.

1983: Not getting valentines, but probably sneaking chocolate.

1984: Not getting valentines, but probably being given chocolate.

1985: Sitting in timeout in my preschool while the class makes a V-Day project. This was the only time in a year-and-a-half that I ever had to sit in timeout (there, at least).

1986: Getting and giving valentines.

1987: Getting and giving valentines. I swear I got one that had Daffy Duck saying, "You're despicable!" But you know how my memory is.

1988: Getting and giving valentines. I secretly crushed hard on a girl in my class, and I cradled her generic valentine. She was left-handed like me, and I could see the telltale smudge on her handwriting. Destiny. Wrote a terrible story about it.

1989: Didn't get valentines. My teacher's policy was that if you didn't bring any, you didn't get any (I wonder if this was her romantic policy as well). Somebody signed their valentines "Guess Who?" This fueled intense speculation that "Who" was me, which my repeated denials did not help. And no, it wasn't me. I was too burned out from The Legend of Zelda and George Bush to be clever.

1990: Got valentines, including one from my cousin classmate, which I didn't know how to take.

1991: Got valentines, though I had to enjoy them at home because my teacher insisted that we exchange them in the most quick and efficient manner possible because this science crap isn't going to teach itself.

1992: Probably crushing on a girl who wouldn't talk to me.

1993: Probably crushing on a girl who wouldn't talk to me.

1994: Definitely crushing on a girl who wouldn't talk to me.

1995: Crushing on a girl who turned out to be my cousin by marriage.

1996: Got asked out by a girl on my way out from the cafeteria. Oh, wait, that was April Fool's Day.

1997: Got dumped.

I still have these if anybody wants some.
1998: Went to a dance at another school. Key quote from my date: "Somebody give me a beer or a cigarette NOW!"

1999: In an actual relationship and having an actual romantic weekend. Which for me meant putting on Dave Matthews Band's "Crash" in its entirety and letting it work its magic. I learned later that my brother met Mario Lopez that weekend, and I could have totally been there were it not for that blasted romantic weekend.

2000: Drove 100 miles to reconnect with an old flame. We wound up eating chalupas and watching/making cracks about "Doug."

2001: I'm going to assume a journalism assignment, because that's all I did that year.

2002: Not loving Osama bin Laden, that's for sure.

2003: Met a future flame around this time, which is a good time because you don't have to go all-out on the big day yet.

2004: Crushing on a girl who would talk to me, but not in that way.

2005: Posted a computer rendering of an actual heart on my blog.

2006: Dick Cheney shoots someone in the face just in time to inspire one of my sicker historical pick-up lines.

2007: Adjusting to my new job in Missouri and realizing that my Southern charm doesn't work here. Or that I never really had any. One of those.

2008: Probably working. And eating chocolate.

2009: Seeing someone casually, but we didn't do anything.

2010: Probably crushing on some girl who wouldn't talk to me.

2011: Awoke in a hotel room in a strange city, which is less illicit and exciting than it sounds.

Here you go.


ross said...

Happy Valentine's Day, Ian!

I suspect your V-History is similar to most people's...big expectations for the day, not as often fulfilled.

I'm intrigued that you burned out by George Bush at age 9. LOL!

Good luck in your new city...can't wait to hear the next chapter in your life...

Blazing Bayou Running said...

Ian...that was actually me (Robin) not Ross...he was somehow on my google account, that rascal.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Mario Lopez was with Ali Landy, the famous Dorito Girl. You missed her too.

Krista DiTucci said...

I'm impressed that you remember every year's Valentine's Day events! And who is the lady from 1999 and 2000? She sounds pretty awesome ;)

Ian McGibboney said...

She IS awesome...too awesome for me! Ha ha