Thursday, January 06, 2011

Other things I imagine this new Congress will do

• Read the Holy Bible in its entirety on the House floor. Except for the unimportant parts.

• Vow to repeal the bill allowing concealed weapons in national parks, just to spite President Obama.

• Not only fight to repeal health care, but also club everyone making less than $30,000 a year in the knee.

• Vow, with so many new faces, to stay inexperienced for years to come, using a Men in Black neuralizer if necessary.

• Run the government like a business. By which they mean cut jobs right and left while they pad their own wages and report record profits.

• Simplify the complicated and convoluted Constitution to the point where you can write it on the back of an index card, then drown it in the bathtub.

• Pass a new law that, for every new dollar of government spending, you have to cut another somewhere else. Yeah. Good luck with that.

• Pass another law that redefines the term "excessive government spending" to apply exclusively to social programs, education, civil-service jobs and infrastructure, and never to military spending, corporate welfare or tax cuts for the wealthiest brackets. As a formality, it should glide right through.

• Have an all-out brawl on the House floor over who is the most proudly conservative and pro-American. Once it's over, there will be as much apple-pie filling and eagle innards as there is human blood spilled in the chambers.

• C-SPAN will become a TV-MA network once the FCC decides to censor sanctimony.

• C-SPAN broadcasts will become noticeably dimmer after the GOP decides, out of deference to the struggling American people, to turn out most of the lights in the legislative branch. The Republicans will also streamline the sessions by removing all pomp such as reading the Constitution aloud, as well as all the time spent making proclamations for this week and that, thus saving the vaunted taxpayer money. No they won't.

• Nothing, really.


Jenni said...

They should install urinals, toilets, and a strong AC unit on the House floor. Nothing but bullshit, pissing and moaning, and an excess of hot air will be filling the House chambers. So much for that touchy-feely coordination and compromise that they preached during the campaign.

venessalewis said...

"apple-pie filling and eagle innards" OH! LOL....good stuff man. Yeah....I balked at the "Constitution" grandstanding today. What a crock. You jest about the Bible reading, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit.

Anonymous said...

You're funny, Ian. You missed your calling by not going into comedy.