Friday, January 14, 2011

The Horo! The Horo!

Many years ago, I picked up a book called something like "The Rolling Stone Rock Yearbook 1984" at the public library. In it, there was a section quoting famous musicians as to what 1984 meant for them. I remember two quotes in particular:

"1984 was the year I could buy brand-name macaroni and cheese whenever I wanted." — Weird Al Yankovic

"I had my horoscope legally changed because it told me not to get married in a year with a 9 in it, and it's a bloody long time until 2000." — A member of Spinal Tap (probably David St. Hubbins)

The latter, of course, was a joke. But apparently, someone, somewhere, has decided that there is a new zodiac sign (or that there was an old one that needed to be put back).

Casting aside for a minute all the intense outrage by people whom this apparently adversely affects, I have to ask: Who gets to decide this? And can I have that job when they retire? It must be a sweet gig to be able to effect change like that. Kind of like whoever invented brunch. Or modern holidays like Mother's Day and Kwanzaa. Conjuring up new star signs, meals and observances that gain acceptance are pretty interesting achievements. Not your garden-variety Wikipedia entry for sure.

Like many, I'm grumbling a little bit over the new astrological chart. And not because I'm a big believer in astrology (I prefer its college-educated cousin, astronomy) — though I'll admit that going from Taurus (the bullish Ford) to Aries (the ram that inspired a Dodge K-Car) feels like a demotion.

No, the real reason is that part of my job as a copy editor involves cutting horoscopes to fit their designated space, and that's hard enough already without a whole other star sign.

There's also the notion that many won't accept the legitimacy of this new sign, and we may see a schism rivaling that of the world's great religions. Great. More pointless wars, more angry phone calls.

Also, this means I've been dating incompatible signs all these years. Yeah, that's the ticket.

And despite this change, I still share a horoscope with Hitler.

In any case, I might as well cast off the stubbornness and bull-headedness that has always defined me so well and embrace my new stellar identity, which according to WikiZodiac, makes me:

love to start new things all the time. They have initiative and for that are perceived as having strong leadership skills, which in combination with their outgoing and ambitious style makes them the perfect sign to lead off a new cycle. Arians lead the way, break new ground, establish new traditions, and forge new paths. These traits make them energetic, vibrant, and lively. As the initial sign of the Zodiac, Aries also rules the first house: the House of Self, also known as the House of Personality.

This sounds exactly like the type of person who would break ground on a new horoscope. I like it!

You know what else I like? Finally having an excuse to embed this video:

And for those of you are pissed over this realignment, just remember: IT'S ALL MADE UP ANYWAY.

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