Sunday, October 31, 2010

My running commentary while out on the town

Hey man, thanks for letting me ride with you Wow downtown is packed I've never seen anything like it Sweet Literally everyone's in a costume I feel underdressed even though I have a sign that says I'm a bad Invisible Man Check out that gorilla and that criminal He looks the Hamburglar robble robble and check out the ladies There's a hooker, a hooker, a hooker, a hooker, a Ninja Turtle hooker, a cop hooker, a sexy booby hooker Hey it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month...hooker, Girl Scout hooker, pimp with hooker, no, park in the garage if you can man I've never seen this place so packed that's awesome WHOA WE GOT LITERALLY THE LAST SPOT AT THE TOP OF THE TOWER man, did we ever luck out that's all you dude If we'd been in my car that never would have happened I have bad luck you see. Well, let's get down can you even walk in those slippers made out of motorcycle tires quite a conversation piece dude everyone's checking you out, yeah you're right a feathered headdress always catches the eye I'm going to have to try that sometime when it isn't Halloween Guy's leering at a sexy officer saying he should get busted for possession Dude, possession of a few grams isn't a crime BURN So where are the girls? Oh, Mudhouse, I like that place hey you can walk in the street like at Mardi Gras awesome never seen that here before hey look it's the Village People if they were all the construction worker and a cute hooker, a goth hooker, a Rainbow Brite hooker, hooker, hooker, hooker, one of the Things from Cat in the Hat I wanted to do that one year Oh the girls are now at someplace neither of us have heard of It's annoying when people use nicknames to describe a place you've never been to Bloody locals Let's stop in Mud Lounge They're nonsmoking and serve the only alcoholic drink I like Woodchuck man this bar is crowded there's Dangle from Reno 911! Here, give me the 20 I'll wave it Wow that worked again, that's you I would have been ignored without your lucky presence What's that, Santa and guy in his skeevy underwear You want me to dig into your bag You first, friend HA HA HA HA My turn oh great a tiny bottle of grape vodka that's not as interesting oh well Let's go sit next to sexy Asian schoolgirl she seems nice OK a girl with SLUT on her shirt's going dancing No joke, dancing at the Mud Lounge Weird but fun I'm dancing Hey, nice shirt oh OK totally ignore me Slut Hi my name is Ian Nice to meet you Cynthia Man my spastic dancing has really attracted the dancers Hope I don't kill myself on some complicated dance move It's getting hot in here take off all your clothes Maybe not but I'll take off my outer shirt and tie that to my waist My jeans are slipping Damn This gladiator is mocking my dance moves I shall mock his Hey cute Mario Kart girl Hey cute non-costumed girl Man why do these girls all want to dance with me Who cares bump bump bump Now this is a story all about how my life got twist-turned upside down so take a minute just sit right there and I'll tell how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air chick's impressed I know the words so is the clown she's dancing with that girl in the skeleton suit may be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen No, the sexy officer in the blue is She's dancing with me Hey, nice outfit Now she's gone Figures Hi Valerie, I'm Ian Nice name Let's Dance under the moonlight, the serious moonlight Everytime I see you falling I get down on my knees and pray but complicated move FAIL man my pal can dance all I can do is make girls laugh with mine That girl has a bloody baby doll with an umbilical cord she gave a high-five for liking her costume I'm holding her baby Not mine though SLASH Hi I'm Axl I cut my hair OK let's go meet the girls Oh thanks for letting me wear the headdress man wow everyone's looking Not invisible anymore ooh, sexy cop's asking me about it Oh I'm being my friend Oh this is my actual hair You're arresting Amish guy's sign is funny "Thank God for Plan B" flip side says "Abortions are gay" HA HA HA HA OK the girls aren't there either they're where we just passed No we really don't want to pay $15 each for pub crawl bracelets when closing time's in five minutes Yeah we know it's not your fault man Oh what you'll let us in anyway Thanks man here's a money shake it's not much but it's what I got and I always wanted to do this There they are Oh you hugged them Oh they barely noticed me standing there man that hurts my massive yet fragile ego Oh man, is that Brett Favre with a giant CENSORED tag drooping over his man meat ALL the girls are talking to him I remember when I was 11 I also made a jersey out of a blue shirt and yellow tape for a costume and kids made fun of me but now it's clever yay adulthood Last call man they get pissy in Springfield I'll wait by the door No I can't let you in I'm not the doorman Everybody's hungry I'm not even though I've had one sandwich in 24 hours Dude nice loft your fridge is exactly as I imagined it ha ha you can see the entire scene from your windows wow you could fall right out of here and die but it's worth the entertainment Is there pickup service for white trash Oh look it's some skeleton dudes and more hookers We're going to the greasy burger joint across the street it's so packed We give up Going to Jimmy John's freakyfastfreakygood it is Man that Ghostbuster has the most authentic proton pack I've ever seen it even has lit-up LEDs man that totally outdoes the Ghostbusters suit I had when I was nine Man, Springfield people are rude sorry you're OK didn't mean to offend OK back to the loft to eat Is he passed out or dead WEDGIE TIME OK everyone's turning in Let's go home but not before a long, sober conversation about attitudes, careers, life and the nature of spirituality You're a good friend Oh look another hooker

3 comments:

Jenni said...

Haha! Looks like you had a blast Saturday night. You need to keep a camera handy to capture these awesome moments.

Jester said...

Not to mention a barrel of Ritalin :)

NOLA Progressive said...

Actually, Ritalin would have narrowed his focus rather than keeping him wired and constantly changing focus. Even when you are really just trying to be funny Jeser, you're an ignorant prick.