Friday, October 01, 2010

Daily affirmation for the month

By most metrics, September was a pretty lousy month for me. Nothing excruciatingly bad happened; it was just one of those rut months. That happens sometimes, but never more than 12 times in a year, so I've got it under control.

Perhaps you know the feeling — everything you've been looking forward to is either in the past or in the distant future. Plans in between can't quite come together. Days seem increasingly monotonous, but at the same time, you feel uncertain about the future. Even your diversions seem to cause you more grief and stress than they're worth a lot of the time. I'm looking at you, football and blog! Also, one of my best friends just moved away. To California. I'll miss him amid much jealousy.

Something apparently snapped in me within the past month, because from Sept. 1 on, I made a laundry list of changes to my daily routine, some of which are inexplicable:

• For the first time since moving here almost four years ago, I rearranged all the furniture in my apartment;

• I began taking different routes to commute to and from work, both of which are longer, but make for a more enjoyable drive through the city;

• I moved my laptop and old-school wired modem from my office desk to my living-room couch, where I've crashed most nights ever since;

• I've started shopping at different grocery stores and eating different food;

• I've been listening to CDs again, and have made a concerted effort to listen to music like I used to, just being in my room and letting the beat get me moving.

• I've been regularly working my upper body with weights and resistance exercises, a challenge given how screwed-up my shoulders are and how much less exciting that is than running, biking or playing football;

• I occasionally go somewhere for a reason other than working, working out, buying necessities or addressing some grave injustice / stuffy head;

• I've been growing my hair out in an effort to look 14 again, but mostly I look like a 30-year-old in need of a haircut. Which actually isn't that far off the mark.

• I sometimes spend my late nights playing Tetris on NES, with the most atmospheric score playing. Clears the cobwebs. Also, I'm getting really good at it.

• I'm watching and reading games/books/websites that I normally wouldn't be interested in, for that exact reason.

• For the first time in two years, I washed the flags we use for flag football. Let's just say that was overdue. Also receiving mercifully necessary cleanings: my bike, my carpet, my cubicle and my ears.

There are other things too. But we'll leave it at those for now.

Unlike the torrential floods that opened September and immediately ended a long stretch of hot summer dog-day fun, October is starting with totally clear, sunny and ideal weather. I'm hoping to tap into that to have a better month than the previous one. There's no singular thing compelling me to do this, but I feel the need to take control of what often feels like a runaway life. However small the changes, I feel like they make a difference. And I will continue to make my life better in any way necessary. Because it's what everyone should do. Also, because being depressed sucks.

I've also vowed to make a difference somehow and stop living so much in my head. Well, OK, starting now...


Jester said...

Wow! The grass always IS greener on the other side. What I mean by that is when I read this, I found myself jealous of your life!

I remember being single too, with no wife or kids to take care of, and no business to own & operate either. I was so free back then! I could do all of the things that you mentioned doing.... and from time to time I find myself missing them.

But at the same time I remember feeling the same way you do -- somewhat bored & depressed, searching for meaning in the meaningless. I don't know if the term "irony" is appropriate here or not...

But I'll spare you by not giving you the same old lecture/advice I'm sure you've heard to death from other people like myself. Lord knows I heard plenty of it back then. You know, "you're young -- what do you have to worry about?", or "who cares? it'll all work out", and "stop complaining -- you don't know how good you've got it", blah, blah, blah.

But if you allow me, I will tell you what DID get me through my single, non-self employed years. Religion. For real! But NOT the kind you're thinking about...

Jester out.

Ian McGibboney said...

I wouldn't say I'm spiritually empty. It's more of an age/accomplishment issue, but thanks.

I do like a lot of my circumstances. It's just about changing the ones I don't.

venessalewis said...

I like this Ian. Mainly, because we haven't connected in a while and this lets me know where you are. I am glad you have identified some things that can pull you out of the rut and are doing something about it. Here's hoping the fog clears and the path ahead is illuminated. Love ya pal. I'm still here...and paying attention.

rhonda said...

if nothing else, you have stupid shit to laugh at. my god. i thought that you or blogger had changed the comment submission, but i just now realized that this afternoon what i actually did was...i emailed your own post to you, with what i wanted to say attached to it as a comment...ya know, not unlike a complete jackass. fuck. well, smile.

Jester said...

Glad to hear you're spiritually ok. I myself wasn't for many years: think "Type AAA" personality. That's why I eventually turned to Zen and Vajrayana for balance. They literally (and figuratively) saved my life many times since then, because they're the only faiths that've ever worked for me.

But I'll stop preaching because technically I'm not allowed to proselytize. However, I did want you to know that I recommended those teachings because they're as much psychological and philosophical as they are spiritual (maybe more so).

Good luck today! And Vanessa's right -- listen to her :)