Saturday, October 16, 2010

The 14 old friends you make on Facebook

Facebook is a doubled-edged sword: it’s an unprecedented, fantastic tool for reconnecting with old friends; at the same time, it can also deflate any fond memories by showing what you’re not missing now. Here are the 14 old friends you make on Facebook:

The BFF you never talk to
“Holy crap! My bestest friend ever is on Facebook! Aw, man, I can’t wait to reminisce about all the crazy times we had together almost every day for so many years. He’s gonna FREAK OUT when he sees my invitation and it’s gonna be great times all over again! Maybe we’ll even make a date to play old-school Sega Genesis and compose terrible songs on my karaoke machine again. Hell yeah!”

Three years later...

“Huh. A status update. I forgot about him.”

The interesting friend who got boring
“My life used to be about meaningless stuff like campus activism, stimulating and entertaining conversations, saving drowning infants at the soup kitchen, downing Dos Equis and generally effecting positive change in the world. But these days I have a much more fulfilling life as a stay-at-home mom, you know, once I have any kids. Here’s 12 photo albums of my floor.”

The boring friend who got interesting
“I was the kid on the peripheral end of the clique, whose main claim to fame was that I didn’t have a distinct personality. I laughed when everyone else did and didn’t say much otherwise. You liked having me around because I was so benign. Then I graduated, left for Hollywood, made a decent name for myself and used my fortune to help out my family. By the way, did you know I lived in a box in high school? I was too busy quietly smiling to tell anyone. My parents worked so much that they literally never came home. I made them a promise that I’d never forget my humble roots when I made it big. And so when I became a famous actor, I gave them enough money to quit their jobs and get a nicer box in a ritzy neighborhood. Then there was time I dated Hayden Panettiere. She’s nice enough, but I felt like I could do better. Speaking of better, the Saints have offered me a tryout in the offensive backfield. Since I live in New Orleans now (except when I’m jetting to my getaway in Beverly Hills), that should allow me to balance my acting and pro football careers quite nicely, and maybe even allow me a little time to pop over to Europe for a steam-blowing weekend. So how have you been?”

No time for memories
“My profile is blank, except for my interests, which says, ‘No time.’ In fact, why am I squandering time on this at all? Don’t message me. You’ll waste your time.”

The friend who found Jesus
“When I first knew you, brother, I was lost and wayward. I thought about killing myself every single hour of every single day. Sure, I had a happy exterior on the outside, but I was nothing but a hollow chasm inside. You know, back when we were friends and all. Not that I ever told you or even hinted at it. But today, I am born anew in the reverent glow of Christ Jesus, Our Lord and Savior! I have a beautiful Christian wife and four glowing Christian children, and we all go to church every day and on weekends picket wicked coffeehouses on Saturday nights. All my pictures are of me in a suit. All I ever talk about is God. And Republican politics. Tell me, are you a sinner in the eyes of Kirk Cameron?”

The friend who found Glenn Beck
“Liberal? Aw, man, that’s sad. You used to be such a good guy. But I don’t know if I can even consort with such a lousy ‘American.’ Of course, count on me to lurk around and occasionally post asshole comments out of nowhere on even remotely political statuses. Be a mutual friend of Sarah Palin or go home!”

Irony OD-ing hipster
“See how my name has no capital letters and a period at the end? And how my profile pic is of Vanilla Ice from the cover of ‘Cool as Ice’? That’s how I roll. Legalize it. Free Mumia. American Apparel. Keep Austin weird. Word up.”

The conspiracy theorist
“Hi! How are you? I’ve missed you! Tell me, how exactly do you think 9/11 was a inside job? LIHOP or MIHOP?”

The Let-Go-Getter
“HEY! We should totally catch up. So much shit has happened in my life in the intervening years and it shows. By the way, I used to like you back in the day, even though you thought I was too unattainable for you. Want to make up for lost time? Word of warning: I fart like a dude. You should hear it! Epic!”

The Swan
“My life has multiplied in awesomeness ever since I found the courage to break away from the stifling social ostracism of the past. Thank you for motivating me to realize my full potential much later in life. It keeps me going every day.”

The person who treats you exactly the same as they did in high school
“We’ll probably talk once, casually, and spend the rest of our lives telling mutual acquaintances that we know each other. Just like we’ve always done.”

The Time Warp
“I’ve changed so little since graduation that even my Facebook page looks like it was coded in 1998. I can name every power forward on this year’s basketball team.”

The Wanderer
“My passport has more stamps than the post office. I am never in North America. You will read every last detail and regret your pithy life as a result.”

What you always suspected
“I’m crazy and I’m finally embracing it!”

I’m probably that last one to most people.

5 comments:

venessalewis said...

HAHA!!! Good one Ian! I actually see some of myself in several of these....just because ya know, you are different thingst to different people. I also know quite a few of these as well. I just hope I'm not #2. :(

rhonda said...

gahd venessa, i also see myself in a lot of these! i'm ms. blank profile...but certainly not for lack of time. also, i don't know you that well, but you're not #2. :-)

fucking jamison. jamison is my favorite wanderer. ah.

and i have one to add...the fun-loving party girl who has 80 different profile pictures at 80 different bars, all of which feature a duckface and a drink. heterosexual female friend to play booby-grab for the camera optional. prone to leaving me sunshiny wall posts while seemingly *simultaneously* sending me tearful private messages about not even knowing who that last abortion was for, or OMFG, how the fuck she's going to make rent or what the hell she's doing with her life.

perhaps that friend is just on my list...over and over and over again...

venessalewis said...

OMFG.....you have a friend like that too in your feed? I'm glad I'm not a solitary sufferer. And not ony that, the bitch always talks about how ugly everyone is and how much the camera loves her....girlfriend looks like one of those contenstants on a show where you guess if the person is a real woman or a man who had a sex change. Oh, OH....I will message you a pic. And yeah....a new profile pic every day....in the bar she was in last night doing a pole dance or kissing a chick in front of her boyfriend. I swear I am toggle with defriending her daily, but I can't lie....watching her life is like watching a slow motion train wreck and I can't turn away. FISH FACE....you nailed it. I actually made a graphic mocking that very thing.

NOLA Progressive said...

Good Monday Morning chuckle....Yes I realize you posted this on Saturday, but it's been a busy football weekend....Don't judge me!! :-)

Jester said...

You forgot the all-important Level Five Vegan!