Thursday, September 09, 2010

Another guest blog from Earl "Clem" Bob

Yesterday was probably the most insignificant day I've had in a long time. I stayed in bed until about 1 p.m., didn't do any household chores, didn't work out and didn't even step outside until I had to work at 4 p.m. Instead, I put my laptop on a chair and pulled it next to my bed. None of this is normal for me. I'm not really known for either stopping or sleeping, so my body was grateful, at least.

Earl "Clem" Bob, on the other hand, has been flooding my mailbox with printed e-mails asking me when I was going to let him blog again. He told me he hasn't slept in six days and probably won't until Sept. 12 or so. He's real fired up, you see. So here's his latest missive, or at least what I could comprehend over the phone. Reception's real bad from that deep in the woods.

Fahrenheit 9/12 Project

By Earl "Clem" Bob

If you don't live under a rock, you know that this country's goin' to hell in a handbasket. If you do live under a rock (like my friend Jed), listen up: THIS COUNTRY'S GOIN' TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET! It's hard to hear under the rock.

Hell, now that Islam is now president, I was just about ready to assert my sovereignty and secede from the Union. I even made my own flag! Like it?

But the thing is, I think things are startin’ to get better. As the anniversary of Sept. 11 approaches (on Sept. 11, mark-R-calendar), certain events happening in the homeland have me feeling encouraged as to our future as a God-fearin' nation.

As a side note, 9/11 was tragic, but it did bring out the best in America in its aftermath. I know it made me into a better person. Before, I had to pretend that certain things and people didn't bother me — political correctness and all that. But after 9/11, we were united and I was finally free to be who I really am. And there’s nothing more patriotic than that!

But I regress.

So what, you ask, led me to this reversal of my long-held beliefs about said handbasket? Well, three things:

1) November midterms! Boy howdy, are Democrats in for a butt-whoopin’! And it’s about time, too. Things were doin’ just fine until Nov. 7, 2006, when Americans lost their minds over Katrina and FEMA and elected a Democrat majority in Congress. Boy, nothin’ strips my thresher more than major political decisions bein’ made out of fear, anger and ignorance. But thanks to that election, and the even worse one what followed it, our country might not even have a future no more! We need to take this country back from the sweeping majorities who mistakenly voted for Obama, Pelosi, Reid and their criminal SIN-DICK-ate (I made that up) and put it in the hands of the small, vocal group of real Americans we got left. And by left, I mean right. And by right, I mean correct. And by correct, I mean the tea party patriots fed up with both parties, especially the Democrats.

This Jack is good.

Speaking of midterms, ol’ Clem was never what you’d call midterm material; I didn’t even make it that far in 9th grade. That was about the time when I realized what sort of elitist leftist ivory-tower twits run our government propaganda centers. My teacher was always goin’ on and on about how we need to learn history so’s that we don’t repeat it, that the First Amendment comes before the Second Amendment in the Bill of Rights, how to spell things, makin’ me read books what don’t even have pictures and bein’ told never to have sex with my cousin (or anybody) until marriage. After eight and a half years of listening to her ignorant garbage, I finally had to bid audio to Sister Mary Theresa.

Which brings me to my second encouragin' development:

2) Over yonder in Stockton, Missouri, the school board just voted unanimously to ban the book The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie from its shelves, because it uses dirty words and talks about jackin’ off and whatnot. And even worse, it’s aimed at a teenage audience! At least that’s what I’m told, because you can damn well bet I’ll never, ever pick up that book! Good for Stockton. The last thing we need in this declining moral culture is such a filthy book. Who knows what such things put in the minds of impressionable children? I’m glad that local teens got the message that this is a book that should not be read. Area bookstores and libraries got the message too, because now you can’t find that book anywhere! Supposedly, a bunch of teenagers raided them and took all copies off the shelves themselves, lest anyone feel pangs of temptation. And God bless them for it!

And just look at this cover! It’s practically beggin’ kids to pick it up. Kind of like that witch’s candy house in Hansel and Gretel. Or Hank’s windowless van with the Twilight mural. Hank lost our superintendent’s race over that. It was a close one.

Alexie’s book would look better on fire. Kind of like a certain other book that’s going to get torched in my third encouraging sign:

2) By now, everybody’s heard about the Rev. Terry Jones, the Florida preacher who is going to burn hisself a pile of Korans on Sept. 11. When I first heard this, my reflex was to ask him to wrap himself in it first. But then I realized that he wasn’t burnin’ the American flag, but the thing that goes against everything the flag stands for — Muslim! See, the Koran is like the Bible for Islam, except that it has a mess of violence that the Bible lacks. Also, it’s wrong. And I’m glad to say that I’ve never read it and never will. They say the Koran, or Quran as the liberal media spells it, has a code of respect very similar to that of the American flag, involving handling and disposal. I say, that’s all the more reason to burn the Koran! Extremist religion is a mockery of American values, and Rev. Jones’ burning is the first major step in bringing America back to its fundamentalist Christian roots.

And I don’t want to hear that such an action only reinforces anti-American hatred in the Middle East. Hell, they burn our flag all the time! And the least we can do to respond to such a statement is to burn something they cherish! After all, it’s free speech. Except for the flag-burning. That ain’t.

While the rest of us here are excited and trying to find Florida on a map so’s we can go see the burnin’, that guy who drives the Toyota Penis hybrid over in town is complaining that Hitler burned books. Now ol’ Clem don’t know much about Hitler, because he was on the midterm. But I do know he was like the ultimate bad guy. And I only know that because Louis Farrakhan called him a “very great man.” That was all I ever needed to hear.

So I’m offended by the Hitler comparison! Hitler burned books because he was an evil Nazi. We’re burnin’ them because we don’t want such ideas in our perfect country! Apples and tangerines. To anyone who says otherwise, I invoke God’s Win Law, which means you can’t talk about Hitler until someone says your name twice. Jinx!

So as you can see, I’m finally seein’ some light at the end of this long, dark tunnel our country’s been in. If these trends keep up, we’ll be the sort of moral, God-fearin’ society seen in Footloose before its tragic ending. Good thing that videotape gunked up my VCR so I don’t have to watch it ever again.


rhonda said...

-i'll be sure to read that book. not being kitschy here- banned booked are always the best. bridge to terabithia is still one of my absolute favorites. the only good thing that happened in fifth grade is that i met that book then :-)

- "As a SIDE NOTE, 9/11 was tragic, but..." *DING. on the nosey! i feel like i can say this here and get only a minimum of hate mail and death/violence threats, but i will never, ever forget how when i was crying at work at the coffee shop the day the towers were attacked, several people nonchalantly told me (and this is verbatim. i was told this over and over), "why is it bothering you so much? you didn't know those people. they're in new york." looking back, you know who those people were? they were social conservatives. every last motherfucking one of them! so don't tell me now that any of those bastards gives a flying fuck nine years later. i find it sickening that today, some of the same exact people that are up in arms about everything that seems like it *might* be pro-arab or pro-muslim (or even may not overtly attack us) did not give ratfuck about their fellow man when the worst was actually happening- all they wanted was their goddamn coffee on the very same day that all those innocent people died. if you ask me, those poor americans would be spinning in their graves if they knew what was being done these days in "honor" of their memory.

i'm sincerely sorry to go off like that, but i think now that it's safe to say that you have seen firsthand the shit that i have had to put up with from just that kind of fake, plastic patriot. sometimes i even dream about being attacked. between having my heart broken over and over again and my ethnicity constantly being used against me before people even bother to learn what i'm like as a person, trust is becoming almost impossible for me. ending on a positive note, all of this really does fuel some pretty pounding running sessions :-)

venessalewis said...

I wonder if Stockton also banned "Catcher in the Rye?" I'm actually really curious about this. Is this a regular practice for them?

NOLA Progressive said...

I'm not sure we realize how huge this anti-muslim sentiment truly is. I honestly believe we could be teetering on the brink of a new era of segragation and Jim Crow. It's sick how bought-into this bullshit is.

People really think there is some sort of takeover of Christian culture in the works, and they find it easily justifiable to lump radicals in with any and all Muslims. There is a lot of anger and fear, and I think that we all know what can happen when you combine htose.

mtananda said...

Rhonda --

I'm sorry to hear about your 9/11 experience where you witnessed social conservatives who didn't care. I was appalled when I read what you wrote. I want you to know that not I, nor any of my conservative family members felt that way at all. All of them were very defensive, angry, and upset. Some even reported to military recruiters that same day (including my Dad!).

I myself couldn't function at work that day, went home early, then completely broke down after I got home. It was a horrible devastation of innocent lives that I've tried hard ever since to forget.

I can't speak for all conservatives. But please at least believe me when I speak for myself & my family. Thank you.

Tom Alday said...

"they were social conservatives. every last motherfucking one of them! "

Were they wearing badges or something?

Or did they say something like "Hello, I'm a social conservative, why are you crying you didn't know them, they are from New York"

In other words. I think you're full of shit.

Ian McGibboney said...

They're pretty easy to ascertain through their conduct. The complete lack of compassion and tact is a dead giveaway.

Tom Alday said...

Oh I always love when liberals claim the title of absolute arbiter of who and what is compassionate. It's such a delicious lie.

I know plenty of liberals that to this day make fun and mock everything about 9-11, but unlike Rhonda's made up story, I actually know their political leanings as they've expressed them repeatedly on other occasions.

Ian McGibboney said...

Yes, I suppose my definition of compassionate is a bit narrow, leaving out as it does those who lack compassion. I'll try not to be so narrow-minded next time.

Tom, why do you insist on accusing people of making stuff up? Rhonda is a personal friend of mine and has been for years. Her last name stands out in south Louisiana, as does her refreshingly outspoken nature. So if you claim that someone with Arabic ancestry didn't take some shit in neoconservative south Louisiana after 9/11, then you're the one making stuff up.

rhonda said...

tom, if "nyeh nyeh, you're making that up!" is the best you've got, all i can really say is that you're a joke even among trolls, sir. children graduate straight from pull-ups to better arguments than that.

ian, thanks much, my dear.

mtanada, thank you as well, kind stranger :-)

Tom Alday said...

Well, experience tells me most liberals make up their "ARGHHH conservatives!!" stories. Whether it's Ian having imaginary conversations with millionaires or people in coffee shops telling you their political affiliation at the drop of a hat, it's all the same lie made up to gin up hate of conservatives because that's all you dead enders have.