Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Bumper stickler

By Earl "Clem" Bob

I just put a new bumper sticker on the back of my truck. It was hard to find space, what with all the pro-life stickers and the Calvin pissin' decals and that big Dale Earnhardt 3 with the wings and halo and the rusted-out panels and whatnot. But after seein' the new sticker on my neighbor Jim Bob's SUV, I knew it was too hilarious — and urgent — to ignore. 

At my request, Jim Bob managed to finagle me one from the local tea party headquarters. It's a good one. It's blue, and says in big letters, OBAMA, next to his campaign logo from 2008. Except that instead of that sunrise-looking thing, the logo features a hammer and sickle! And underneath Obama's name is what it stands for: One Big Ass Mistake America! Ain't it the truth? 

So of course, I was pumped as all hell to put this thing on my truck. I wasn't too thrilled to have to cover up another bumper sticker to fit it in, but that Bush-Cheney '04 one was gonna be a casualty sooner or later. That was from an era when I was a proud Republican, but I'm fed up with both parties now. Especially the Democrats.

I’ve only taken one drive since putting it on, and that was to the Piggly Wiggly. That’s a good way from my place, though, so lots of people had the chance to share in my latest message to Real America.

A peculiar thing happened, though.

At the town’s red light, a car that had been following me for most of the trip pulled up beside me. It was one of those hybrid Toyota Penises or somethin’. The driver leaned over and said to me, “Hi, sir! I like your Obama bumper sticker. And I just wanted to say, I appreciate that a conservative such as yourself can be so open-minded.” I didn’t know what the hell he meant by that, but I did like the compliment on my sticker, so I thanked him.

Soon after, I arrived at the Pig and loaded up on groceries. As I leafed through the latest “Field and Stream” magazine at the checkout counter, I suddenly heard a volley of gunshots. Now, that’s nothin’ unusual in these parts, so no one even flinched. But then some more rang out, and I thought to myself, “Those seem really, really close.” I thought maybe Jericho had accidentally shot himself in the foot in the store’s ammo section like he did that one time.

As it turned out, though, someone had been shootin’ at my truck! It was riddled with bullet holes (though some of them had been there already from that night I got drunk and mistook my truck for an intruder). The part of my rear window that wasn’t already shattered, was shattered. Fortunately, the collage of bumper stickers kept it more or less intact. Praise Jesus.

Before I could make sense of the situation, a souped-up pickup truck full of guys came screamin’ in the parking lot. I’d know that vehicle anywhere — it’s my old friend Roscoe and his posse. They watch shows like “America’s Most Wanted” and “Dog the Bounty Hunter” and spend their afternoons lookin’ for fugitives. Sometimes they find some who haven’t even been profiled yet! They’re good.

“Roscoe!” I yelled over his truck’s roar. “Hiya doin? I’m so glad you’re here! Did you see anyone shootin’ my truck?”

Suddenly, there’s a gun in MY face! “I got half a mind to shoot you dead right now, you Marxist terrorist jackass,” Roscoe said with a fury rare even for him.

“Wha?” I stammered in alarm. “Git out, Roscoe! You know I ain’t like that.”

“So what’s with this OBAMA sticker?” he snarled as he jumped out of his driver’s seat. “You changed, man! You’ve let your yearnin’ for health insurance corrupt you, comrade!” And with that, he aimed for the sticker at point-blank range.

Suddenly, he pointed down his gun and chuckled. “One Big Ass Mistake America? HAW! Damn, Clem, I’m sorry! I could swear from a distance that you hated America. But now that I’m right up on it, I can read the message.”

Roscoe went on to tell me that stuff like this happens all the time. So many anti-Obama stickers look like real Obama stickers, he said.

“The stuff these guys come up with is genius,” he said. “But hard to read, so you think it’s the real thing. They should take a cue from the churches and make these decals as loud and tacky as possible. Maybe then I could save my bullets.” We had a good laugh and we went on our ways.

So consider that a lesson learned for ol’ Clem. When it comes to bumper stickers, you can’t be subtle with small print and satirical overtones and whatnot. You gotta make your point and get out, lest someone mistake you for some evil liberal. Too much is at stake in this country!

In the meantime, I’ll be looking for a new bumper sticker to cover up the OBAMA (and also to add a layer of adhesive to keep my glass intact). If anyone knows where I can find a PALIN-BECK 2012 decal, that’ll do just fine.

Earl “Clem” Bob speaks for America.


Tom Alday said...

"I'm trying to make the debate better" - Ian McGibboney, April 2010

Jenni said...

Hilarious Ian! Thanks for the laugh. :)

venessalewis said...

"The PIG" Classic.

rhonda said...

ah. O.B.A.M.A. yeah...when your whole political ideology can be summed up with a pneumonic device, you may want to start doing some soul-searching. juuuuust sayin'.

NOLA Progressive said...

You know it's funny in an ironic and dark sort of way. I spent about 6 months in the most podunk Florida panhandle town while I was in 10th grade, and someone actually got the ever-lovin crap beat out of him for having a Clinton bumper sticker on his car. Guess where it took place? The parking lot of the local Piggly Wiggly, which should never be confused with the podunk gas station/bait shop there named the Hoggly Woggly.