Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm voting for common sense

By Earl “Clem” Bob

I tell you, this country is going to hell in a handbasket. I don’t think you need me to tell you why. What I want to know is, how did it get to this point? Used to be, people loved the U.S.! They understood that being a proud American meant salutin’ the flag, shootin’ a gun, drivin’ a Chevy and of course, praising the Almighty Lord Jesus Christ. Now that’s the definition of patriotism! And that’s the way it was in the good ol’ days when I was just a young’un Clem.

But then something happened. I can’t put my finger on it, but it was the Sixties. And ever since then, we’ve had to deal with politicians what hate America. Civil rights, war protests, progressive taxation — where in the Constitution is any of that? “Leaders” like George McGovern, Jimmy Carter, Mike Dukakis, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama, as well as their past and present minions on the federal, state and local levels, would have you believe that the only future for America is one where we’re no longer No. 1 or able to do anything we want.

I mean, really. Alternative energy? Higher taxes on corporations? Cap and trade? Ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? Caring what the rest of the world thinks? How wimpy and depressing is that? We might as well fly the flag at half-staff every day for all the impotence today’s neutered politicians are giving us.

Which is why I’m so hopeful about the new crop of politicians running this year. Personally, I’m voting a straight ticket, not of any party, but of pro-American leaders.

“Gee, Clem,” I hear you saying, “That there sounds like a darn-tootin’ idea! But I’m blinded by the liberal media. How can you tell if a candidate for office actually loves their country?” Well, here’s a few tips:

1) Don’t watch the media. It’s controlled by the liberal agenda (even Fox News is too candy-assed for my taste). The only way to get accurate, unbiased information on a candidate is by watching their ads. They’ll tell you what you want to hear.

2) Find a candidate who favors “common sense.” Common sense is a good thing. Same goes for “values.”

3) See where they stand on socialism. Just talking about socialism is a good sign, because real socialists ain’t gonna bring it up.

4) Does the candidate have a picture of his/her family? You’ll want them to have a family. Real Americans get married and give birth to children.

5) Are there bald eagles to be seen? That’s a good sign. Also: American flag pins and patriotic bunting.

6) Calls to Take Our Country Back. All proud Americans want their country back!

7) Apple pie. Mmmmm!

It’s time to give our elected leaders the old heave-ho. Every one of them. They don’t care about what real Americans care about — making and preserving wealth and not coddling the poor — they care only about their own greed and to hell with the little people! This November, let’s send a message to both parties, especially the Democrats. Let’s finally put our country back in the hands of pro-American Americans!

Earl “Clem” Bob speaks for all America.


venessalewis said...

LMAO@patriotic bunting!

Michael said...

OK, I can prove this wasn't written by a real "real American." Real "real Americans" don't use bunting--they use the actual flag. Never mind that it's against the law and unpatriotic.

Dustin said...

I want some one up in that White House thats a God fearin man. Every one shood be Christian in or country. If there not, they'll be in Hell! We kneed a president that really cares about Americans and doesn't hate us white folk. If only we can bring good ole George back!

Mmmm, pecan pie! *chomp chomp*

God bless America!
- Buck

Oh, and..."My name is Buck and I like to f..."

Tom Alday said...

"I'm trying to make the debate better" - Ian McGibboney 4/27/10