4/25: On a cool, moist day, Leggo My Ego (Tyree, Gerald, Dustin, Caleb) beat Lay A Finger On Our Butterfingers (Jerome, Jesse, Jack, Kenny, later Ian). Officially, at least...
The first half of the game was unsanctioned and probably didn’t actually happen, because the annual SOFA Leadership Hike continued until after halftime. (In other words, Ian was on a hike, and didn’t get back into Springfield until the second half.) Nevertheless, witnesses put the score at that point at 112-75 LME or something similarly preposterous. In one-and-a-half halves? Seriously? Was everyone kicking 24-point field goals?
I’m guessing Tyree and Gerald connected for several key TDs, Caleb had some ridiculous runs and Dustin used his trademark 5-foot vertical/diagonal leap to bring in some unbelievable catches. And other plays that add up to 112 for LME.
For LAFOOB, Jack presumably had some pivotal throws, probably to Jerome. Kenny probably did his thing too, scoring probably four or eight touchdowns. Jesse likely mowed through the scrum and cracked some jokes in the process. True, Stephanie laughs at everything, but Jesse really was being funny.
The above is all guesswork and conjecture. Not at all like your typical recap.
Ian came into the action with about eight minutes remaining, taking the field for LAFOOB, who were, as Jerome put it, “dispirited.” Ian is well-known throughout SOFA annals for being a cheerful, positive presence on the field, so he lifted everyone’s spirits by playing to the Freudian concept of the ID...Ignoring Defeat. Deciding to let loose, LAFOOB shaped up into fine form, scoring several times in a concentrated span that may have, in fact, put them ahead. Because we didn’t care. Get it?
LME didn’t get it, because they kept right on scoring too. Speaking of Freud, Tyree activated his superego to call for an extra 10 minutes to the game. We all obliged, because the weather felt great and nobody could remember the score anymore, which made the game a lot more fun. At least for LAFOOB, because we lost.
As no real coach has ever said, “It’s not how you win or lose. It’s how you play the game.”
Player of the game: Gerald, at least after halftime. He hadn’t played for SOFA in about a year, but probably only because starring in Old Spice commercials is a big commitment. Also, once you’re able to catch touchdown passes that a defensive back has full-palm batted out of your hands, you pretty much have no equal on the field. No, I’m not bitter.
Mike Bell impersonation of the game: Ian arrived to the game straight from a hike at Ha Ha Tonka in Camdenton. Which means he had soaking-wet socks and torn-sole shoes that he’d been driving in for 100 miles. Furthermore, he forgot his cleats, which caused him to slip numerous times, costing the LAFOOB defense at least two touchdowns. Gerald and Dustin, consider yourselves lucky.
Get a room: Tyree and Jesse clashed several times on the field, leading to several physical confrontations that Ian had to break up. And because Ian broke them up, you know they were joking in the first place.
Non-news of the game: Dustin intercepted a PAT and took it to the house. Or could have, but he knelt it in fear. We’re making progress on this plague.
Shout-out of the week: To the friendly staff at the Kickapoo concession booth, who offered to sell us Powerades even before they officially opened for business. Thanks, too, to Jerome, who had the only cash on hand, and spotted us. I paid him back. So, guys, you owe me.
Touching quote of the game: One of Ian’s flags was not attached to his belt, which meant he often broke out for long touchdowns. Under SOFA rules, such an issue means someone can render you down by contact. On one of these TD plays, Tyree insisted that Ian had not broken through untouched. “I touched him!” Tyree yelled. “I touched him!”
“Who did you touch?”
“I TOUCHED YOU, IAN!”
OK, man, you don’t have to brag.