Yesterday, one of my friends became a fan of “Conservative” on Facebook. Yes, apparently you can become fans of adjectives now. I’m waiting for “Quirky,” myself. Or perhaps, “Grammar.” Not really holding my breath for that one.
Curious as always, I checked out the “Conservative” Facebook page. And this little nugget graced its feed:
The way New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie goes off here on Star-Ledger political columnist Tom Moran, I’m surprised he didn’t tell Moran to “get a brain.” I’ve waited years to make that joke.
According to every page where I’ve seen this discussed, Moran is a liberal columnist. Which means he’s somewhere to the left of Glenn Beck. So that’s a helpful tidbit.
The footage is frequently in flux, so here’s the official video from the Star-Ledger:
Not surprisingly, this tirade has gone viral among those who love seeing the “liberal media” get slapped. Or just love slaps in general. I haven’t seen it so much in the liberal blogosphere, though that may be a testament to circumstance; conservatives see it as a sign of life in a sea of spilled oil (metaphorically speaking), while right-wing bluster barely registers a dent among its detractors. It’s a dime a dozen in this economy.
But I don’t think it should go unpunished. The rant is wrong in so many ways, both in substance and in tone. Especially in tone. Christie makes George W. Bush seem humble. And I’ve heard more appropriate laughter at funerals.
First, the tone. It’s always fun when someone is called out on their confrontational nature and they answer by being confrontational. It works only as a bullying tactic, because I can’t imagine someone saying, “His bluster has me rethinking my ways.” And I seriously doubt that’s Christie’s intent anyway.
Bluster and thought rarely mix. You only have to see the reactions of the people behind Christie to see what his real intent is here. And it’s not to persuade. It’s to SHUT YOU UP IN A PSEUDO-WITTY WAY, LIBERAL WEAKLING! PUNCH LINE! BOO-YAH! CHRISTIE 1, MEDIA 0! PWNED!! Really, it’s Moran’s fault. His face was in the way of Christie’s fastball.
But enough about the alpha-male jackassery. Let us parse the content:
“You know, Tom, you must be the thinnest-skinned guy in America...”
Just check any comment section on this blog to see what a productive start this ever is to a conversation. And this is just some blog, never mind a new governor setting his tone to a journalist.
“Because if you think that’s a confrontational tone, then you should really see me when I’m pissed.”
I used to work an absolute joke of a job for someone who would say stuff like this. Every day was abject hell. It’s a three-pronged observation: 1) They’re admitting they’re vile even on their best day; 2) they’re fine, even joyful, about this and see no need to change; 3) you’re the spineless wimp for having the nerve to think it’ll ever get better than this. I lasted only two months. Others weren’t so lucky.
“That’s not confrontational!”
I’m reminded here of Ike Turner’s quote from his book Takin’ Back My Name: “Sure, I've slapped Tina... There have been times when I punched her to the ground without thinking. But I have never beat her." Semantics sure are fun!
“I love when people say they don’t wanna have argument. That’s what we were sent here for!”
Well, no, actually. You were sent there to represent the people of New Jersey. Arguing is sometimes a part of that, but mainly in the same sense that cannibalism is sometimes a part of plane crashes. You resort to it when times are critical.
“They believe in bigger government, higher taxes and more spending...”
At least he’s off to a good arguing start...
“I believe in less government, lower taxes and empowering local officials who are elected by their citizens to be able to fix their problems.”
He’s also in favor of apple pie, baseball, Chevrolet, the American flag, freedom and both dogs AND cats! His opponents hate them all and campaigned specifically on causing more problems for “their” citizens.
“That may lead to a disagreement or two. Now, I could say it very nicely...in a way you all might be more comfortable with.”
But then I’d have to admit that you’re sentient human beings.
“Maybe we could go back to the last administration where I could say it in a way you wouldn’t even understand it.” [Laughter]
HA HA HA HA HA!! Those effete bureaucratic Jon Corzine types! They talk in fancy-schmancy edjamacashional words what don’t even feel you leavin’ sucker-punched after youse hears ’em! A-hyuk!
“But the fact of the matter is, THIS IS WHO I AM!”
See? He just can’t help it. Kinda like...Ike Turner.
“And this is who the people elected.”
Unlike all those filthy Democrats, who must be stopped at all costs.
“And so you guys want to continue to talk about...my TONE, my combativeness...listen, everybody plays to their part.”
It’s like he’s making excuses for his behavior, which only adds to the rich tapestry of exponential assholishness.
“Like it or not, you guys are stuck with me for four years.”
Barack Obama should say this. It would be dickish, but that’s the official language of American politics. Christie is fluent.
“And I’m gonna say things directly...and nobody in New Jersey is gonna have to wonder where I am on an issue.”
Was this really a problem before?
“And I think they’ve had enough of politicians who make them wonder.”
I disagree. It’s been clear for years that every U.S. politician is either a Real American or a Marxist Traitor. Marked “R” and “D” respectively. Thanks, Fox News!
“I came here to govern, not to worry about re-election.”
He’s got a point here. I wouldn’t worry about such a prospect either.
“I came here to do what people sent me here to do. And so, blunt, direct, maybe you might say, honest and refreshing.” [Laughter that makes mustache-twirling redundant]
If this guy were any higher on himself, he’d literally sweat seeds and stems.
“Maybe you could put that in your paper tomorrow.”
Like the mayor said in Animal House, “If you talk about extortion again, I’ll have both your legs broken.”
So remember, friends, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.) is the latest rising star of the Republican Party. He’s a take-charge, take-no-prisoners guy who will always give it to you straight. And he’ll stick it to all his critics and the mainstream media. He’s a fighter in an age when things are going down the tubes. A real Man’s Man who fought long and hard to be in government as a means of getting the dastardly government out of your lives. He’s not there to listen; he’s there to argue!
Christie’s exactly what we need to battle President Obama, that arrogant, non-team-player who doesn’t listen to the American people and only cares about asserting his executive power. The nerve of that guy!
And to think we’re stuck with him for the next four years...